Many marriage therapists and couple counselors agree that infidelity is one of the leading causes of failed marriages. This article is an insight into infidelity: who cheats and why? Infidelity tears apart the trust that ought to be the foundation of the relationship, causing feelings of anger, insecurity, self-doubt and inadequacy that some couples never get past.
Understanding the reasons why people cheat is key to preventing affairs. You might believe you already know what would do if your spouse were to ever cheat. But for many people, uncovering the reasons why infidelity happened in the first place could open the door to repairing the damage, and making sure it would never happen again.
What is infidelity?
Every individual has their own idea about what infidelity means to them. Some people define cheating as having sexual intercourse with someone other than their spouse. To others, it could be just looking at or fantasizing about having sex with someone else, or sharing personal moments with somebody outside the marriage. To many people, emotional infidelity can be more hurtful than physical infidelity. And some feel that secrecy is a form of cheating. Examples of this include an unwillingness to share one’s whereabouts, having secret email accounts or cell phones, or engaging in risky internet behavior (like compulsively watching porn and hiding it).
Since the definition of betrayal is so individual, you and your partner should talk about what betrayal and infidelity mean to you. Then, it is important to safeguard your marriage by making agreements with each other that ensure your relationship always comes first, and that you will each manage people and situations outside of your relationship so that your partner always feels safe and secure. Sometimes this requires some serious negotiation, but the reality is if your partner feels uncomfortable or threatened by your behavior, you are not protecting them and putting your relationship first.
Who Cheats?
Statistics show that more men than women cheat on their spouses, but no doubt, women cheat, too. By secretly opening themselves up to situations that provide opportunity for connecting with someone other than their spouse, men and women alike end up treading into dangerous waters.
Although not all married people will cheat when the chance presents itself, one’s willingness to approach a ‘red zone’ situation increases the risk. Most happily married people will avoid situations they know are dangerous. But if they end up feeling an attraction to someone else, they simply talk to their spouse about it right away. There are numerous reasons why some people don’t protect their marriage from infidelity and end up cheating.
The Why
Why do people stray in a marriage? Statistically, about 30% of all married people will be unfaithful. Sustained stress and unresolved problems in a marriage can lead even the steadiest of individuals to be vulnerable to affairs. Many of these people are surprised by their behavior when they begin to cheat, and may even oblivious to the things that may have led to their infidelity. Some of the most common reasons why people cheat are:
- Too much time spent away from the home and marriage due to work
- Internet making it easier for people to engage in covert sexual activity
- Mismanagement of people outside of their primary relationship
- Sexual incompatibility or differences in libido
- Avoidant, insecure attachment styles
- The attractiveness factor: the more one is desired, the more attention they will get, increases the likelihood and opportunity
- Risk-taking behavior acted out through infidelity
- Mental health issues such as narcissism, or sociopathic traits remove barriers to cheating
- A sense of entitlement caused by cultural gender roles, greater power or wealth
- Not talking enough to your spouse out of fear of conflict, then finding someone else to talk to
- Being “addicted” to novelty
- Unresolved relationship problems that lead to severe emotional disconnection
Healing is Possible
By no means does cheating have to be the end of your marriage. In fact, the discovery of infidelity can be the catalyst for a much better partnership. When a spouse who has cheated stops the affair, has remorse, and is willing to become transparent, trust can be repaired and the relationship can end up better than it ever was prior to the infidelity. Open communication and a willingness by both partners to do the work is essential, and with the help of a professional, healing is possible.
If You’re Considering a Breakup
If you’ve been dealing with infidelity and are unsure about the next step in your relationship, speak to a marriage therapist before you make any life changing decisions. If you are suffering from the pain of betrayal and are unsure how to heal, know that there is hope.
Professional marriage therapy or relationship coaching can be the answer to your pain. It will allow both you and your spouse to understand why the cheating even happened. Couples counseling can give you the guidance and skills to repair the damaged trust and create a secure and happy relationship. Call me today at (719) 544-2016 if you have been affected by infidelity and you need help to get past it.