Those dreaded words….I’m not in love with you anymore!
Whether you saw it coming or you’re in complete shock, hearing your wife say I’m not in love with you anymore! is a punch in the gut.
Frankly, it can feel like the end of the world. The end of your world. Or, at least, the end of your marriage.
But, it doesn’t have to be.
A normal reaction to hearing I’m not in love with you anymore! is panic.
And if you’re like most people, when you first heard her utter that dreaded phrase, you didn’t even realize things were that bad.
So, what can you do about it? Is it possible to save your marriage when your wife isn’t in love with you? (Relax! The sort answer is Yes!)
Avoid Taking Immediate Action
You might might have a strong urge to do something right away to “fix” the problem.
Unfortunately, jumping right into problem-solving action doesn’t usually produce lasting results. It might even backfire by irritating your honey and pushing her further away.
If your wife is tired of something you’ve been doing (or not doing) in your relationship, it won’t work to make hasty promises that you’ll change overnight.
Chances are, you’ve made similar promises before and now your wife won’t be inclined to believe you, anyway.
Things like flowers, a love note, a vacation, or even showering your wife with compliments won’t fix the situation, either.
One of the very best things you can do (instead of trying to fix the problem) is to work on yourself.
I know you feel blindsided by her saying “I don’t love you anymore.” But if you’re honest with yourself, you can probably identify 3 or 4 legitimate complaints that your wife has about you. Things you should’ve worked on long ago.
But here’s something super important…
Don’t work on those things strictly to make your marriage better or to please your wife. Work on them to better yourself. To become the best version of you.
I’m not saying that you’re not already a whole person or that there is something wrong with you.
All of us have things we could be working on to improve ourself and our marriage.
But the sad truth is that many of us ignore making those small changes. The very changes that would lead to flaming the the feelings of being in love.
I’m telling you, if you’re eager to take action to get your wife to fall in love with you again, throw yourself into making changes that show her you’ve been listening to her complaints.
Just remember that it will take her awhile to trust that these changes are permanent.
Choose Your Response Carefully
When you first hear your wife say Im not in love you anymore, your initial reaction might be one of sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, or even self-loathing.
Again, take a step back. Steady yourself.
It’s important that you carefully choose how to respond. Curling up into a negative or needy emotional posture will likely fuel your wife’s beliefs and drive her away even more.
Instead, be a bit selfish by attending to yourself and your own self-care and personal growth.
This suggestion may seem backward and counter-productive, at first. But trust me on this.
Chances are, you’re wife will find you more appealing and attractive if you start working on yourself. Here are a few ways you might focus on self-improvement:
- get back to the gym
- grab dinner with your best guy friend
- take time to genuinely engage with your kids or pets
- step up to your responsibilities around the house
- speak up about what you think, feel, and desire (instead of avoiding conflict at all cost)
- get a meditation app and spend at least 20 minutes a day listening to a guided meditation
- read articles online about how to improve yourself and your marriage
As I’m suggesting, work on yourself first. Check out my article on how to save your marriage alone.
It’s okay to let your wife know that you’ve heard her loud and clear. And that you’re not going to become a super needy, smothering husband.
Instead, let her know you’re going to put effort into becoming your best self. That way, she’ll know you’re not ignoring her.
Understand Each Other’s Definitions
Your wife may not be in love with you anymore, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.
And it doesn’t mean you’re going to be served with divorce papers next week, either.
People often get caught up on definitions. And the reality is those words…I’m not in love with you anymore…can mean different things to different people.
If your wife says she’s not in love with you, it doesn’t automatically mean she wants to leave you.
She may not feel that “spark” anymore, or she may be waiting for you (or herself) to make some changes.
The most important thing now is to communicate openly and vulnerably.
It’s time you muster-up your courage and have a vulnerable conversation. You can start by simply letting your wife know how you’re feeling in response to hearing that she’s not in love with you.
After she’s heard you and understands your feelings, ask her to talk to you about what she’s experiencing.
Then listen without interrupting her. Remember not to take what she’s saying personally. Don’t defend yourself. And be curious about her feelings.
Ask her lot’s of questions. Like…What do you mean by I’m not in love with you anymore? How long have you been feeling this way? Do you miss Us? Is there something I’ve been doing, or that I haven’t been doing that’s impacted your feelings of being in love?
Work to understand the meaning of her words as well as all her feelings around this topic.
Having this difficult conversation can help you both feel safer and more secure as you move forward to work on your marriage.
If the distance between you seems to be getting worse, or you’re worried about losing your marriage, you may need couples counseling to turn things around.
Feel free to contact me if you’re struggling to figure out what to do next, and you want to keep your marriage alive and strong.
If you’re interested in finding quality marriage counseling in Denver, or an individualized Couples Retreat in Denver to attend, I can help. Let’s work together to fix what’s broken so you can both be happy and in love again.