Do you feel like your relationship has been hit with the ice-bucket challenge? Leaving you shaking, freezing, and in painful distress? And wondering if you can save your relationship?
Are you chilled-to-the-bone because your partner has said “I love you but I’m not in love with you?”
Do you lay awake worrying about how to warm up your connection after months (or years) of coldness and distance?
Or do you wake up with that tight, frozen feeling in your chest that reminds you of an icy glacier? All because you’re not sure if your marriage can survive the shattering blows of infidelity?
I want you to know that if you answered yes to any of those questions, you are not alone.
I’ve worked with hundreds of couples who came to me for couples counseling because they were tired of lonely disconnection, terrible communication, and fractured trust.
I’ve witnessed the pain of near-hopelessness more often than you can imagine.
And I’ve been honored to help couples navigate from rock bottom to the higher ground of a secure and happy relationship. By leading them through a unique marriage counseling method that really works. And it works fast!
My Unique Method Saved Their Marriage
I recently helped Judy and Bob (these are not their real names, of course) go from the brink of divorce to feeling secure, again, in their marriage.
Judy and Bob were like so many couples I see. They’d been married for nearly 10 years, but they were terribly unhappy. The were desperate to find someone to help them save their marriage and fix what was broken.
Before I met with them for their free initial consultation, Judy and Bob had barely been talking to each other. Except when they were arguing and throwing verbal zingers at one another.
They had become so emotionally and sexually disconnected that they described themselves with that familiar but dreaded label…just roommates.
As I often do in that first meeting, I asked Bob and Judy to tell me what their ideal relationship with each other would look like.
Bob bought himself a little time by saying “Ladies first.” Judy was a good sport, though, and began to describe what she most desired when it came to their marriage.
Here’s what Judy said:
I’d like to have better communication. Where we actually listen to each other. Instead of getting defensive right off the bat or escalating into an argument about the same stuff we’ve been fighting about for years.
I want us to get back to having fun together. And to being affectionate. I want to know that Bob still feels attracted to me. That he loves me.
And I need help getting over my anger that Bob was having an emotional affair. I want to be able to forgive him someday.
I hope we can save our marriage.
Then I asked Bob, “If you could have your relationship just the way you want it in the next few months, what would that look like?”
This is what he said:
I agree that our communication is awful and needs lots of improvement.
Also, I want to feel appreciated and respected by Judy.
I’d like for us to get back to having sex regularly. Maybe once a week or so.
And I want Judy to trust me again. I’m not sure what to do to help with that.
But on that day, Judy and Bob’s relationship looked much different than their ideal.
The Pain Of Disconnection
They had been cold and distant for more than two years. Most nights Bob was sleeping on the couch. They hadn’t made love in more than 6 months, and they weren’t even hugging or kissing when they left for work.
Both Judy and Bob described their communication as broken. Neither ever felt completely understood or supported by their spouse.
About a month before our initial appointment, Judy had come across text messages between Bob and another woman. Those messages were flirtatious and sexual in nature. Judy felt crushed. Pretty soon, the pain of betrayal turned into anger and sometimes rage.
Bob was frustrated that Judy wouldn’t accept his apology and just move on. He was at a loss for how to repair the trust that had been broken by his deceit.
At the end of our initial consultation, Bob and Judy decided to invest in their relationship and they signed up for my couples counseling Relationship Transformation program.
They were sick and tired of the pain.
Over the next 8 weeks, we had an all-day intensive followed up with six weekly 100-minute sessions. They also did 20 Relationship Building Exercises in between our in-person sessions. And they stayed in touch with me as needed via email throughout our work together.
Both Judy and Bob were appreciative of my style of couples counseling. And relieved that I have a proven method that actually saves realtionships.
They really liked that my program allowed them to get through these tough issues much faster than typical therapy.
Generic Marriage Counseling Did Not Work
In fact, a few years ago Judy and Bob tried couples therapy and got super frustrated that they could only meet with their counselor once every two weeks for a 50-minute couples therapy session. They told me that they usually left those sessions in the middle of an argument. I wasn’t surprised that they dropped out of that therapy before they ever got their problems resolved. They felt that that therapy was a complete waste of money.
Bob and Judy were elated that after just one day of counseling with me they both felt the icy distance and resentment between them melting away.
When they left my office after the full day intensive, this couple was smiling and holding hands. Two things they’d not done in a long, long time.
Great Couples Counseling Brought Healing Change, Fast!
During our all-day session there were several aha moments that helped Judy and Bob shift out of their impasse.
There was a point in the morning that Bob was complaining that Judy was still having meltdowns over the 3 month emotional affair he’d had. He was frustrated that she’d still cry about it, and go off on him in anger every couple of days.
I rolled up to Bob (we were all sitting in comfortable chairs with wheels), tapped him on the knee, looked directly at him, and said:
Look Bob. I don’t envy the position that you’re in. You betrayed your wife and now she’s suffering with something similar to PTSD. It’s going to take her longer than a month to get over it. In fact, her brain will probably be captivated with PTSD-like symptoms for about a year.
I get it that you’re frustrated and you want Judy to understand that there were problems in you relationship before your infidelity.
But here’s the thing, we have to deal with your affair first.
Judy can’t possibly recognize and work on the issues that pre-dated your emotional affair until it is squarely dealt with.
And so far you haven’t even sounded remorseful for crossing the line with another woman.
Deep inside of her, Judy knows that if you don’t feel the pain and the remorse for what you did, chances are high that it will happen again.
With that I rolled back and told Judy and Bob to face each other. Then I asked Judy to tell Bob in detail about the pain she’s been going through ever since she read those texts (between him and the other woman).
Judy looked at Bob with tears streaming down her face and said “I trusted you. And you shattered that trust. I’m so angry and sad. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking that this is all a nightmare. Then I realize it’s my life. How could you do this to us?” Both of her fists were clenched.
This time Bob listened.
I could see that he wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure how to respond to Judy. So I told Bob to roll closer to Judy and to do or say something that would be soothing to her.
Bob rolled up close to his wife, took her hands in his, looked her in the eye and said “I am so, so sorry!” Bob’s voice cracked as he spoke, and his eyes welled up with tears.
For the first time since Judy had discovered that he was having an emotional affair, Bob showed real, authentic regret.
Judy and Bob embraced and held onto each other for a long time.
Then Judy said, “I’m not quite there yet, but I think I’ll be able to forgive you.” That was music to Bob’s ears.
Working With Me Transformed Their Marriage
At the end of our work together, Bob told me that the investment they made in my program was well worth it! Because it transformed their marriage. It went from bankrupt to thriving.
A big reason that this therapy was successful was because of how Bob and Judy showed up.
First, they were willing to make the investment of money and time to solve the problems in the relationship.
Second, they got clear within the first hour of working with me that I wasn’t there to “fix” their partner. That in fact, they both had work to do. And they both made the commitment to work on their own contributions to the distance and other problems in their relationship. Even when it was uncomfortable and inconvenient.
And third, they agreed that I could call them on their bull-sh#t and be directive during our sessions.
About half way through our work together, Bob and Judy told me that they liked my direct style of counseling. They were glad that I would interrupt them as a way of assisting and that I’d coach them in real time.
I wouldn’t let them spin into an endless argument, or get away with passive-aggressive shenanigans during our sessions.
They were so grateful to finally learn a communication system that works. And also to understand why their relationship had become stagnant.
Most of all, Judy and Bob were relieved to get the tools and learn the skills that would help them maintain an honest, healthy, and happy relationship for good.
During our work together, Bob and Judy were able to repair past resentments and hurts that they had been hanging onto for a long time. And they made strong agreements that would protect their relationship forever.
For example they agreed that from now on they would always put their relationship first. And they agreed to speak up and tell each other what they thought, felt, and desired. No more avoiding discussions that might lead to conflict.
By the end of our couples counseling sessions, Judy and Bob weren’t just sleeping in the same bed again. They were laughing a lot, talking about everything under the sun, being affectionate, helping each other manage stress, and enjoying intimacy (both in and out of bed) in ways they’d never experienced.
They had fallen back in love.
Does Your Relationship Need Help?
You deserve a happy ending, too.
How would you feel if you could repair the problems in your relationship? If you could save your marriage?
What would it be like to be free of the anxiety and worry that’s been keeping you awake at night?
How would you feel to know that your partner will always have your back?
If you’re ready to invest your time, effort, and money into a proven couples counseling system that works, give me a call. I’d love to help you save your marriage and become the happiest couple you know.