You just found out your wife cheated on you? Holy cow!
But wait. She locked lips with another woman?
Your head feels like it’s breaking into hundreds of pieces. You can’t think straight. And you probably don’t know what to do next.
Good news, you’ve landed on the right page. I am going to tell you exactly what to do if you discover your wife cheated with another woman.
First of all, take a deep breath.
No, revise that. Do this breathing exercise: take in 5 slow deep breaths, and make sure you exhale even more slowly. Neuroscience has shown that breathing like that will immediately calm down the anxiety that is pulsing through your body.
Here’s what not to do if your wife cheated with another woman:
1. Don’t start calling all of your friends and telling them that your wife’s a lesbian
First of all, your wife’s cheating on you with another woman doesn’t automatically mean that she’s a lesbian.
You don’t know yet if she’s just bi-curious, experimenting for the hell of it, or if she’s in the middle of a sexual identity crisis. In which case, she might be starting to identify as lesbian or bisexual. The point is you don’t know. And you won’t know until the two of you talk.
Second, throwing your wife under the bus to your friends is a bad idea. It will come back to bite you! Think about it — do you want your friends and wife to hate each other?
2. Do not call her friends and grill them about what they might know
This is between you and your wife. Don’t drag her friends into the mix.
Who do you think they’ll side with anyway?
3. Make sure you don’t tattle on her to either of your families
Again, if you confide in your families about this sensitive topic, it’ll probably tarnish the relationships you guys have with them.
It’s also very likely to damage the relationship between you and your wife even further.
You need to protect your marriage by keeping this between the two of you.
4. If you have kids, don’t go shake up their world with this information
Not their problem to fix!
Really, telling your kids is unfair!
It’s unfair to the kids. It is not their job to take care of you. It isn’t fair to your wife. She deserves to maintain a good relationship with your children.
And it is unfair to your marriage. It will hurt your relationship with your wife.
5. Don’t make any rash decisions to end your marriage
Even though one of your first thoughts is probably “Our marriage is over!” don’t rush off to the divorce attorney’s office.
Wait. Deep breaths.
You’re in no state to make a decision like this.
Plus, you need to talk to your wife. Several times. And you need to consider marriage counseling before divorce court.
6. Do not get uber clingy
The natural reaction to discovering that your spouse is cheating on you is to morph into velcro.
Don’t do it!
I promise that if you get super clingy, your wife will get even more annoyed with you than she’s already been. She’s not going to find you more attractive if you start to smother her.
7. Stop yourself from questioning your manhood
Your wife’s apparent attraction to women has nothing to do with you and your masculinity. Period.
Here’s what to do if your wife cheated with another woman:
1. Get calm
If you let yourself stay in that zone of utter upset (fight or flight), you aren’t doing yourself or your relationship any favors.
So remember…slow, steady inhales followed by longer exhales will calm your body whenever it’s riddled with tension or anxiety.
What are other things you can do to calm yourself?
2. Remind yourself that this isn’t your fault
This isn’t about you. It’s about your wife.
Even if the quality of your marriage had gone down the tubes recently, your wife didn’t have to go and cheat on you with another woman! She could have let you know that she was on the brink first.
3. Talk to your wife
Have this conversation sitting together face to face. Start out by telling her that you know that she cheated on you with another woman. And let her know that you want to understand more about what she’s going through.
Be aware that your wife is likely to seem upset at this point. She might even deny or lie. Stay calm and tell her you know the truth.
If she gets upset, let her know that you still love her. Do something that will soothe her. Perhaps a hug. Tell her that you guys will get through this.
Try to approach this conversation with curiosity. In other words, ask lots of questions without accusing or blaming.
You can ask her what she’s learned about herself? What it all this means for your future as a couple? If she’s willing to go to couples counseling with you?
You may not be able to have this conversation all at once. If it becomes a nasty argument, table the conversation until you are both calm.
4. Get back to regular exercise
Moving your body and getting your heartbeat pumping on a daily basis will help manage your distress.
Either go back to the gym or start going on walks or runs in your neighborhood.
5. Take time to recall the major complaints your wife has about you
You know what her big complaints about you are, right?
Are any of them legitimate complaints? If so, then I challenge you to finally decide if you want to address any of them.
What can you do differently, that would actually erase one or two of the complaints she has about you?
Now go do that.
See, chances are pretty high that your wife is feeling like there’s something not going right, or that’s unfair in your marriage. It’s time for you to clean up your side of the street.
6. Ask your wife if she’ll go with you to couples counseling
Infidelity is really hard for couples to heal from on their own.
It’s hard enough to figure out why a wife had an affair with another guy and to then rebuild the trust and marriage.
But when your wife cheated with another woman? Well, it’s even more complicated and difficult. There are simply more layers to tease apart and understand.
So ask your wife if she’ll go with you to couples counseling. Tell her it will mean a lot to you.
A good affair counselor who knows how to help couples sort through the questions of experimentation vs sexual identity will be your best bet.
If you need help finding such a therapist, give me a call at (719) 544-2016 and I will help.
In the meantime, remember that just because your wife cheated with another woman your marriage is not necessarily over.