Is your marriage in the process of getting derailed? Like a train-wreck about to explode onto the landscape of your already stressful life?

If so, I’m sure you’re feeling worried, scared (if not terrified), angry, threatened, sad, hopeless, and maybe even like a failure.

I’ve got some hope to share with you. So take a deep breath, and set your worries aside for a few minutes. I’m about to show you the emergency brake system (EBS) that will slow down this run-away, marital status-changing train and get your marriage back on a secure track.

Yes, you can a avoid the dreaded Facebook announcement that tells the world that you are now single.

If you’re ready to put in the work to engage the EBS, here are 7 steps that will show you how to save your marriage if divorce seems imminent:

1. Remember…you’re still married.

It ain’t over ‘til the Judge slams down the gavel and declares your marriage dissolved.  The process of divorce takes time. Between the first threat of “I want a divorce” to the actual divorce court proceedings, lots can happen.  So, if you’re still legally married, let yourself lean into the hope of resolution.  Linger in the ah ha of “I’m still married!”

2. Go inward and reflect.

Take yourself on an inner vision quest. Carve out a couple of hours to sit alone so you can organize your own thoughts, feelings, and dreams without the pressure of anyone else’s presence.

Grab a journal and a pen. Then go to your favorite coffee shop, library nook, or a special place in nature.

Make yourself comfortable and do some journaling to get clarity about your marital situation. Write down your answers to the following questions in the order they appear, being as thoughtful, soulful, and thorough as possible:

1. What are the current issues and problems in my marriage?

2. How do I contribute to these problems?

3. If a miracle were to happen, and I could have the ideal relationship with my spouse in the next few months, what would that look like?

4. What would it mean to me if I could achieve this ideal relationship?

5. How would this ideal relationship benefit the other people I love?

When you complete your journaling, give yourself a high five for creating the opportunity for this reflection and the insights you gleaned.

3. Make a decision to become the change you want to experience in your marriage.

Not a flimsy, I’m-probably-not-gonna-keep-it decision. Make an iron clad commitment that’s capable of starting to put the brakes on the runaway train of your marriage.

Then, go home and start embodying the change that you so desperately want to see in your marriage.

If you’re unsure where to start, your answer to Question B is your starting point. Make a promise within yourself to stop doing these negative things and start doing the opposite.

Here are a few examples to help you become the change you know is needed to save your marriage:

If you’ve been distant, give your spouse a big, warm embrace when you get home, and whisper “I’ve missed you!”

If you’ve been in battle mode for a while, wave the flag of friendliness and simply don’t fight tonight.

Or, if you’ve been focused on all things negative, tell your partner 3 things that he/she is doing right.

4. Act as if you already have your ideal relationship.

I’m not talking about the notion of “fake it ‘til you make it.”  What I mean is to start doing those things that you’d naturally be doing if the current state of your relationship was already your ideal.

This is where your answer to Question C comes into play. Right now is when you can start acting as if those habits, qualities, and agreements are already present in your relationship.

So, if in your ideal marriage you have better communication, then ask your spouse some caring, open-ended questions tonight and really listen to the answers. Show empathy by letting them know that you care and understand (or at least really want to understand).

Then reciprocate by sharing openly and vulnerably about your day.

On the other hand, if what you crave is greater closeness and more physical intimacy in your relationship, then offer to give your spouse a back rub with no strings attached.

Enjoy the intimacy of soothing touch. Notice that your hands can’t give physical pleasure without experiencing enjoyment at the same time.

5. Have a discussion with your spouse.

Ask him/her to go out for coffee, a drink, or dinner so that you can have a chance to talk without distractions. Sit across from each other for this conversation. It’s important to be able to look into one another’s eyes and face. This will allow you to read each other’s expressions and body language which will naturally improve your communication.

Gently express your concerns about your marriage.

Talk about the things that you feel have gone wrong, and be sure to emphasize that it took both of you to create the mess you’re in. Don’t accuse or blame your spouse for the problems that have damaged your marriage. It took both of you to get to this place.

Invite your spouse to open up about his/her frustrations and concerns, too. Then listen without getting defensive or judgmental. If you have to bite your tongue, then do that.

Just don’t criticize or argue with your spouse if you want him/her to keep sharing.

6. Emphatically state your desire to stay in this marriage.

Make a clear, direct, and unwavering statement that you want to remain married. Be assertive and actually proclaim what it is that you want. What you most desire.

Don’t just wait to see what your spouse says or does in response.

Instead, do this: Take your spouse’s hand, look right into his/her eyes, and say “_________, I love you and I want to stay married to you.” (Put your spouse’s name in the blank.)

Then let your partner know that you completely understand that you both have a lot of work to do to make things good again.

Tell them that you’re willing to work hard to save your marriage.

Let your partner know that you’ve tapped into some hope for your marriage. And that you believe you can work together to find a solution and create a win-win outcome.

For now, ask your spouse what’s one thing you can do to make him/her feel more loved. Then do it! (As long as it doesn’t violate your integrity).

7.  Learn the skills for a successful marriage.

This last step in how to save your marriage if divorce feels imminent is super important. It requires you to invest in your relationship by getting expert help.

Get busy finding the tools, strategies, and skills to fix your marriage problems.

Buy and read books, invest in marriage education courses, and/or find a good marriage therapist to work with.

Face it, you need to find some good resources that will teach you the skills to become a secure and happy couple. Sadly, most of us didn’t learn these skills in school or from our own parents.

It’s the lack of these skills that has gotten you to the point where your marriage is at risk of derailing.

To get you started, here are three books I highly recommend:

Wired For Love by Stan Tatkin, PhD

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD

Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships by Sue Johnson, PhD

Just click on the title, invest a few bucks, and start learning how to keep your marriage from running off the rails.

If you’ve already read books about how to save your marriage and you know you need to find a good marriage therapist, I’d be happy to help. Call me at (719) 544-2016 and we can have a brief telephone conversation to come up with the best plan to engage the emergency brake system and put your marriage back on track.

The post How to Save Your Marriage If Divorce Seems Imminent appeared first on Lynda Spann.

If you’re like most people, you probably told yourself after you got married (or maybe even before), “If my spouse ever cheats on me, it’ll be over!”

It’s normal to think that if your spouse has an affair, you’ll head straight to a divorce attorney’s office. After all, affairs are unforgivable aren’t they?  You’re probably perplexed about how couples survive infidelity without getting a divorce.

Here’s the thing.  If you’ve lived through that moment of discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful, you know that reality suddenly spins on its head.  Kaboom!  Things are not at all as you had imagined.  And you quickly realize that you don’t actually feel like marching down to the attorney’s office and filing for divorce.

Of course you’re shocked, hurt, confused, terrified, grief-stricken, and maybe full of rage.  Even in that tsunami of extreme emotions, it hits you like a ton of bricks…the stakes of divorce are much greater than you had ever considered.

Every cell in your body might even be screaming “I don’t want a divorce!”

In her new book:  Healing from Infidelity, Dr. Michelle Weiner-Davis states that most people decide to stay in their marriages after infidelity.  She says it’s not that overcoming the devastation of infidelity is easy, because it isn’t. But it can be done.

Surviving infidelity is a real thing!  In fact, your marriage can end up being better than it was before.  The thing is, both of you have to be willing to work hard and to remember that it takes time for the deep wounds of betrayal to heal.

The critical thing is to figure out and fix the issues that lead to the infidelity in the first place and repair the shattered trust.  This usually requires getting expert help.

If you’re living through the devastation of an affair, read on to discover the first 10 steps to surviving infidelity and rebuilding your marriage after an affair.

10 Steps To Surviving Infidelity:

1. Make the decision to save your marriage.  This may sound simplistic, but it’s a must.  The first step is that you both have to firmly decide that you want to stay in your marriage.  You simply won’t be able to begin the process of repair if one of you has decided that you want to stay married and the other of you is on the fence.

2. Promptly end the affair.  The time to have your cake and eat it, too, is over.  Done.  Finished.  If what you want is to fix your marriage, you have to say goodbye to your affair partner.  You’re going to need all of your energy, effort, focus, and time to put into healing your marriage.  And you’re spouse cannot possibly start rebuilding trust while suffering from ongoing threats of betrayal.

3. Accept that you’re going to be on an emotional roller-coaster for a while.  It’s completely normal to experience every emotion known to humankind.  And healing from infidelity takes time.  Sometimes a lot of time.  This is just a natural consequence of an affair.  The betrayed partner now has something like post traumatic stress, and it could take a year to recover from that.

4. Have open conversations about the affair.  In order to rebuild trust, the betrayed partner needs to hear the details of the affair (probably more than once).  And believe me, it’s much better to get the whole story right away.  Finding out later about more parts to the story will negate any forward movement, and take you back to square one.  Spare yourself this tragedy.

5. Show genuine remorse and empathy, if you’re the betrayer.  Look, your spouse is crushed.  Devastated.  Shattered.  Destroyed.  In order for that pain to heal, you have to understand and feel the pain you caused.  You have to walk in your partner’s shoes, and then convince them that you get it.  And, if you don’t have remorse…well, chances are high that you’ll repeat this behavior of betrayal.  Ouch!

6. Work toward forgiveness or acceptance, if you’re the betrayed.  Don’t worry, this doesn’t have to happen right away.  But for your marriage to heal from an affair and then grow into a thriving relationship, you’ll eventually have to forgive your spouse for betraying you.  This doesn’t mean condoning or forgetting, by the way.  And if you can’t wrap your head around forgiveness, then move into acceptance.

7. Spend more time together.  You’re relationship is in dire need of attention.  So is your partner.  Make an agreement to start spending more time together.  Go on dates, put away your cell phones and computers when you’re at home, get together for lunch, go for walks, and try to get to bed a little early and cuddle.  And don’t spend all your time talking about the affair.

8. Amp up on the reassurance that you want to be in this relationship.  With the ripping effects that the affair has had on the security of your relationship, it’s important to do whatever it takes to reassure your partner that you want to remain in your marriage.  And that you still love and like them.  This goes for both of you.  Also, ask for that reassurance if you need it, but be mindful to ask without making accusations.

9. Tell each other everything from now on.  Make an agreement with your spouse that you’re both going to tell each other everything.  No exceptions!  Complete honesty and radical transparency needs to become your couple mantra.  And that includes even telling your spouse when you feel attracted to another person.  By the way, it’s far more protective of your marriage to tell your spouse and not the person you’re feeling attracted to.

10. Get help from a marriage therapist who has experience with affair recovery.  Healing from infidelity is a difficult process.  You’ll have much greater odds of success if you’ll get help from a skilled marriage counselor who has lots of experience helping couples recover from affairs.  Don’t be afraid to ask if the therapist you contact has this experience, and if they’ve had success in helping couples recover from infidelity. 

If you’ve been wondering how couples survive infidelity without getting a divorce, I hope you’ve gotten a clear picture of the initial steps to take.  To me the most exciting thing about dealing with infidelity, is knowing that with persistent work and new agreements, you can end up with a far better relationship than you ever thought possible.

I know that surviving infidelity can seem impossible in the beginning.  Go ahead and borrow my hope, for now, if you need to.  If you’re struggling with infidelity in your relationship, and you want to talk to a marriage therapist, give me a call at (719) 544-2016.  We can talk for a few minutes and come up with a plan to help you and your marriage.  I’d be honored to help.

Photo: <a href=’https://www.123rf.com/profile_antonioguillem’>antonioguillem / 123RF Stock Photo</a>

The post How Couples Survive Infidelity Without Getting A Divorce appeared first on Lynda Spann.

I was sitting in my favorite hip coffee shop the other day enjoying a simple latte and people-watching.  Right away I saw a spunky teenage girl and her equally energetic mother at the table next to me.  Two peas in a pod, I thought to myself.

Shortly after noticing this duo, I overheard the teen ask her mom in that typical, smart-ass way:  “If they’re so happy, why do happy couples fight?”  I imagined that if she were standing up, this girl would sling her hand to her hip as she fired off that question.

And it got me to thinking…Why DO happy couples fight?

It is true.  Happy couples really do fight sometimes.

All couples (even happy ones) get triggered, feel threatened, wake up in bad moods, and have strong opposing opinions at times.  And these are the sorts of things that lead people to argue and fight.

Occasionally, happy couples even act like bratty kids, slam cupboard doors, stomp away in a huff, roll their eyes, yell, and go to bed mad.  So don’t freak out if that happens in your house once in a while.

Being happily married doesn’t mean that spouses never act out or have those momentary meltdowns.

Thankfully, it’s possible to be happily married and imperfect!  That should give us all a bit of hope.

It turns out that fighting is part of our evolutionary wiring.  Fighting is natural.

Dr. Stan Tatkin explains that the human brain is built more for war than for love.  Because of this, he encourages couples to not avoid conflicts or arguments. Instead of repressing the desire to argue, Dr. Tatkin says that couples need to learn to “fight well.”

Fighting well, or fighting smart is what differentiates how happy couples fight versus how unhappy couples fight.  Here are some of the core elements of fighting well:

• Understand that you and your partner have different brains and they’re wired for war
• Learn to read your partner by focusing on his/her facial and body cues
• If you see or hear that your partner is upset, lead with relief or respond with an act of friendliness
• Argue when you’re eye-to-eye and face-to-face
• Never fight over the phone, via text, or in the car
• Remember your goal is to end the fight with a win-win

Another element of fighting well has to do with the proportion of positivity to negativity during conflicts.  Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that in stable and happy marriages there is a 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity during conflict.  In contrast, unstable marriages have 0.8:1 ratio.  Dr. Gottman explains that positivity during an argument or fight includes:

• Softening the start-up of a conversation that’s likely to cause conflict
• Interjecting humor
• Soothing yourself and your partner
• Delivering and accepting attempts at repair
• Compromising on the issue you’re fighting about
• Addressing emotional injury that occurred during the fight

Now we know the answer to the question:  If they’re so happy, why do happy couples fight?  Basically, it’s that fights come about naturally in all intimate relationships.  The goal isn’t to never fight, but to learn how to fight well.  Done well, fights can lead to greater understanding and intimacy.

That being said, if you feel like you and your partner are fighting way too often, or that there’s never any compromise or repair, then you probably need some expert help.  If you want to learn how to fight well, call me at (719) 544-2016.  I can help you master the art of fighting well.

The post If They’re So Happy, Why Do Happy Couples Fight? appeared first on Lynda Spann.

In this piece I’m going to share my best 3 tips for how to save your marriage alone.  So the first thing I want you to wrap your head around is that it is absolutely possible to change your relationship if you are the only one that wants to. Yes, even if your spouse is completely checked out, unplugged, and doesn’t seem to give a damn about trying to save your marriage.

I’m not going to bore you with the theories and evidence behind my declaration that you can save your marriage alone.  But trust me, it’s been shown over and over…one person can change a marriage alone.

Take a few seconds and notice how good it feels to know that you can be the brave agent of change that turns your marriage around.  What will it mean to you to save your marriage and be a happy couple?  Keep this feeling in your awareness, as it will help you in the first action tip below.

To be clear, I’m not saying that you’re the only one that needs to change in order to have a great relationship.  The mess you’re in is not all your fault.  And no one is suggesting that it’s all your responsibility to fix.  Ultimately you’ll both have to show up differently to be a happy and secure couple.

The point is, someone has to be the first one to start the change that you want.  You can start a positive chain reaction by being the first one to do a few things differently.  The key is to get into action.  New action.  Different action.  Remember, when you do the same things over and over, nothing changes.

You want to save your marriage?  Then you’ve got to change some of the things you do.  To get out of the place where you feel like your marriage is in a terrible rut and destined to failure, you’ll have to change some of the ways you typically react. You’ll have to step out of your place of comfort, shake it up, and take a risk.

These 3 tips for how to save your marriage alone are all about the simple changes you can start making today:

1.  Remember your “why?”

The first action step has to start in your head.  Take a minute and really think about this question:  Why do I want to save my marriage?

Really.  Get clear on why you want to stay together and have a happy marriage.  Is it because you made a vow?  Because you don’t want to divorce?  Because you don’t want to break your kid’s heart?  Because you have a deep abiding love?  Because it will be expensive to break up?  Because you know that if you guys fix a few problems you can have an amazing relationship?  What else?  Get specific.

Now take out a piece of paper and at the top of the page write down this question:  “Why do I want to save my marriage?”  Then write down all the answers you came up with.  Be as thorough as possible.  When you’ve gotten down your “why?” put the paper in a safe place.  Then you can refer back to it when you’re feeling discouraged.  In the meantime, stay focused on your “why?” as you move on to the next two steps.

2.  Stop focusing on the problems!

I want you to have the guts to stop focusing on your marriage troubles.  I know this seems backwards, but I assure you it’s not.  If you’re going to fix this, you have to stop talking about all the things that are wrong.  Here’s how to do that:

• Stop talking to your spouse about your marriage problems.
• Don’t tell him what he’s doing wrong.
• Don’t tell her what she should be doing differently.
• Stop blaming your partner.
• Quit giving your friends a play-by-play of your last fight.

Ruminating about the problems, rehashing conflicts, endlessly analyzing the unhealthy patterns, blaming your spouse for everything that’s wrong, and repeatedly arguing about the same things—these are some of the things that are actually keeping you stuck.  Take a break from those habits and watch what happens.

When thoughts about your marital problems start creeping in, and you find yourself focusing on them again, here’s what I want you to do.  Redirect yourself in these ways:

• make a gratitude list
• go sing a song
• crank up the tunes and dance
• do a chore you’ve been putting off
• call a friend
• take 10 slow deep breaths

Doing these types of self-care activities (what I call a stop-focusing-on-the-problem detox) will help you relax, become more creative, find joy, see what’s going right, uncover hidden solutions, and get clarity on what you really want and need.

3.  Do a 180°

What’s a one-eighty?  Well, what I mean by “do a 180°” is to make deliberate choices to do the exact opposite (a 180° angle) of what you’ve been doing in response to being worried about your relationship.

In times of relationship distress people typically respond in one of two ways.  People tend to either get more clingy to their partner or to distance more from their partner.

Would you say that your reaction to your current relationship problem is that you’ve gotten more clingy or more distant?  Are you pursuing your partner, or are you trying to get time and space away from your partner?

In either case, this action step is to do a 180.  You’ll need to start doing the opposite of what you’ve been doing recently.

If your natural instinct is to cling to your spouse in times of trouble (trying to get your spouse to talk, be affectionate, spend time together, plan a date-night, have sex, text during the day, or do an activity together) I want you to have the courage to take a step back.

What I want you to do right now is take a deep breath and focus on yourself without doing anything.  Just breath.  And have a little heart-to-heart with that younger part of yourself that’s so afraid of being abandoned. Tell her that she’s going to be okay, and that this is the way to get more of what she needs.

If you’ve been clingy and holding on tightly, my advice is to hold on loosely but don’t let go.  Take yourself on one of these adventures:

• go out with a safe friend for dinner
• join a yoga class
• get a new book to read
• take a bubble bath
• call a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time
• go for a walk
• write in your journal
• meditate
• resume a hobby
• take a class you’ll enjoy

The important thing is to let go of the death grip that you have on your spouse.  I promise it’s driving him bananas!

If, on the other hand, you’ve been isolating and you haven’t been willing to connect with your partner because you’re afraid that she’s going to do you wrong, you need to step in and move towards her.

You can start by taking a deep breath and having a reassuring chat with your inner child (who is probably afraid of being overwhelmed, consumed, or scrutinized by your spouse).  Let that younger part of yourself know that you can always get some alone-time when you need it.

After you’ve soothed that part of yourself, you’ll need to be brave and move toward your partner.  Yep, I’m serious! It’s time to start engaging and reconnecting with your partner again.  I don’t mean every minute of the day.  But do at least one thing every day that moves you in the direction of your spouse.

Some of the ways you can move toward your partner are to:

• take her on a date
• send him a couple of out-of-the-blue texts when you’re at work
• offer to cook dinner together
• surprise her by playing “your song” and dancing in the living room
• give him a long welcome home hug
• talk about your days
• cuddle on the couch
• exchange shoulder or foot massages
• tell her you miss her
• write your spouse a love letter
• hold hands on a walk

Now that you know the 3 tips for how to save your marriage alone, I encourage you to try them out.  But if you still feel frustrated that you have to be the one to work on changing, or you’re worried that your spouse isn’t going to eventually show up differently, or that he/she isn’t going to even notice, these are signals that it’s time to talk to a professional.

I’m here to help you save your marriage.  If you’d like to talk with me about your situation, call me at (719) 544-2016 for a free consultation.  We can talk about your marriage and come up with a plan together.

The post 3 Tips For How To Save Your Marriage Alone appeared first on Lynda Spann.

If so, you are not alone.  Almost all marriages go through periods that can leave you feeling like you’re on one of those scary roller-coaster rides that make you want to throw up.

It’s completely normal to hit a patch in your relationship where one of you doesn’t feel in love anymore.  Or to get to a place where you worry that nothing will ever work to make you both feel happy again.

Don’t despair!  Even if just one of you wants to save your marriage, hope can be revived and love can be rekindled.

There are many research studies within Family Systems Theory which have scientifically proven that if one person in a family system changes their behavior, the whole system is forced to adjust.  In other words, if only one spouse within a couple changes their actions, the entire relationship can improve.

If you don’t feel much hope, but you want to save your marriage, I promise that you can learn how to be happily married again.  Borrow my hope for now.  Then, learn and take the following 3 steps and watch your marriage start to turn around immediately.

Step 1:  Remember:  You’re Going to Be OK, No Matter What

No doubt that if you’ve been worried that your marriage is ending, you’re probably feeling depressed, powerless, and like you have no control.  But here’s the thing…you can’t take effective, actionable steps from a place of weakness or imbalance.

In order to mobilize hope, love, and long term security in your marriage, the first thing you have to do is get back to knowing that it’s alright to take good care of yourself.  And then tap back into your sense of strength and control.  How?  By practicing these three habits that help you stand in your personal power:

Balance—Stand strong.  Don’t lean too far forward or too far back (from your partner).  Hold your head up high, don’t shrink, take long, deep breaths, and stay centered.  Practice mindfulness.  Remember this is a momentary experience and  you have a long future ahead of you.  Don’t forget that even though your marriage is like a tree blowing in the wind, it has deep roots.

Confidence—Make this your mantra: “I am enough!” and say it out loud to yourself several times a day.  Nurture your confidence through doing things that make you feel calm and creative.  Remember, confidence is what empowers you to take charge and move forward.  Oh, and don’t forget…confidence makes you more attractive to your partner.  Really!

Fairness—Take responsibility for your part in the current state of your marriage.  This will not weaken you.  In fact, by not blaming your spouse for all of your relationship troubles and taking ownership of your part, you quickly detoxify your relationship and strengthen yourself.  You will actually set your relationship up for success by being humble and fair.

Step 2:  Develop Deep Empathy for Your Spouse

In order to save your marriage and become a happy couple, it’s really important for you to remember:  my spouse is not me, and in fact, we are two very different people.  Yes, you’ve got to walk in your partner’s shoes.

Couples feel in love when they are happy together.  You’re probably wondering, what’s the quickest way for me to create happiness with my partner?

The short answer is:  know thy spouse.

It sounds so simple, yet it isn’t a skill that comes very naturally.  In fact, it takes many couples years (and sometimes marriage therapy) to develop this level of empathy.  Here are three ways to build your empathy muscle fast:

Become an expert on your spouse—Figure out what he reflexively does when he’s under stress (this is hard-wired in, by the way, so don’t take it personally).  Does he want to move closer to you, or does he first need some time to himself?

Get good at reading her body language and facial expressions.  If you’re having trouble, ask her if your reading her right?

Keep in mind the answer to questions like:  What’s the one thing that makes my spouse feel the most vulnerable? or What are 3 things I can do to make my partner feel loved? Now, go do a couple of those 3 things!

Listen like a pro—In short, make “hearing and understanding” your spouse the goal when he is trying to make his case.  In order to pull that off, you’ll have to remember that “hearing” her is not the same as “agreeing” with her, and “understanding” him does not mean “giving in” to him.

Be sure to let your partner know that you really understand what she is saying by paraphrasing what you’ve just heard. Then always ask, “Did I get that right? Is there anything else?”

Be compassionate—Show sensitivity and caring toward your spouse.  Send your partner off with a hug, kiss, and compliment when you part ways in the morning.  Give her a warm welcome home hug at the end of the day, and ask how her day went.

Infuse the time you spend together with appreciation and affection:  say thank you for a specific thing, smile, touch, wink, make eye contact, use an endearing term, play “your song” and dance in the kitchen, do the dishes even if it’s not your turn, praise him when he least expects it, and laugh together.

If you hurt your spouse’s feelings (even if you didn’t mean to), always respond first by relieving his/her distress.  A simple “I’m sorry” goes a long way.

Step 3:  Recommit to Putting your Relationship First

My guess is that your marriage is in this vulnerable place because you lost sight of the essential agreements that would keep it safe and happy.  Above all, in order for your marriage to be saved, you both have to commit to always put your relationship first.

You have to wrap your mind around this shift:  I don’t come first, you don’t come first, our kids don’t come first, work doesn’t come first.  WE come first.  From now on, the guiding question is:  “What’s best for US?”

Here are four agreements that will help you put (and keep) your relationship first:

Radical transparency—You need to tell each other everything!  Even if you think it will upset your partner.  To foster transparency, you must give one another the gift of safety:  no judgment or rejection.  Otherwise, it won’t feel safe to be completely open, and secrets will feel like a better alternative.  Beware, secrets always damage marriages.

No threats—If you threaten to move out, divorce, or pack your partner’s bags, you will never achieve the sense of safety necessary for deep intimacy.  Threatening the relationship in any way leads to distrust.  And trust is a necessary element for long-term security and happiness.

Always have your partner’s back—Agree to protect one other (emotionally and physically) whether you’re in public, with friends or family, or alone together.  Make it your job and your pleasure to take care of each other.

Lead with love—Don’t wait for your spouse to go first.  Take the lead on initiating the changes you want to see in your relationship.  And don’t use belittling, blaming, sarcasm, anger, or “I’ll show you” withholding to make a point.  Those things are not loving.

Do something every day to foster a positive cycle of intimacy (either in or out of bed) within your relationship.  Keep in mind that the more you act in the ways that make your partner feel loved, the more love you’ll get back.  That’s what creates a positive intimacy cycle.

Making a marriage work isn’t easy.  And the fear that it’s falling apart can send some couples into a tailspin.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  Practice these skills and things will get better.

Now that you know how to save your marriage when you feel hopeless, I encourage you to practice these steps on a daily basis. However, I know that fixing a marriage isn’t always as easy as practicing the steps you read in an article.  If you’re struggling with your marriage, give me a call at (719) 544-2016.  I’m happy to spend some time on the phone with you in a brief consultation so we can figure out exactly what to do to save your marriage.

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Some of the things that we put off, to our own detriment, include: going to bed early enough to get plenty of sleep, a consistent meditation practice, going in for an annual physical, drinking plenty of water, getting a Will and Living Will set up, exercising regularly, and going to see a marriage therapist when our relationship is out of whack.

Part of the problem is that we usually don’t even realize the downside of procrastinating and neglecting to do the very things that will help us succeed in our life and relationship. We can spend years minimizing issues, or even in outright denial of them. Often we wait until something “bad” happens, and only then pull off the blinders. At that point, unfortunately, it can be too late.

So before something really bad happens in your relationship or marriage, let me help you take down the blinders, and shine a light on some of the signs that you may need to find a marriage counselor right away.

Do You Need Marriage Therapy? Here are 20 Signs You Need to Get to Couples Counseling Now:

1. One or both of you has threatened your relationship by suggesting a trial separation, break up, or divorce.

2. You’re keeping secrets from your partner. Or you’re pretty sure your partner is keeping secrets from you.

3. You no longer tell each other everything.

4. You fight too often, and never resolve anything.

5. You never or rarely have sex.

6. You’d rather be on FaceBook for hours than talk to your spouse.

7. One of you has just admitted to cheating.

8. Your partner spends more time on his/her phone than talking to you.

9. Your communication is so bad that you almost never feel completely heard or understood.

10. You dread coming home after work.

11. Your marriage feels more like a prison sentence than a safe and happy haven.

12. You feel like “just roommates” or business partners.

13. You haven’t had a date night in over 3 months.

14. You no longer put your relationship first—even before the kids.

15. You notice you keep thinking of relationship “exit strategies.”

16. You’re angry at your partner much of the time, and you’re not sure you can ever get over the growing resentments.

17. There’s jealousy in your relationship that never gets resolved.

18. You don’t feel like your partner always has your back.

19. You don’t feel emotionally protected by your partner, either when you’re alone, or when you’re around others.

20. You’re thinking about talking to a divorce lawyer, but you feel you should “try everything” first.

If any several of these 20 signs you need to get to couples counseling now are currently happening in your relationship, you should talk it over with your partner and consider making an appointment with a couples counselor soon. If you can check off 3 or more of these statements as pertaining to you and your relationship, I urge you to call a marriage therapist today! Don’t wait until it’s too late. You owe it to yourself and your partner to get help and repair your relationship so that you can have a secure and happy future.

If you would like to talk it over with a marriage therapist and see if couples counseling is the right choice for you, please call me today at (719) 544-2016. I’ve been helping couples transform their relationship for over 20 years, and I can help you, too.

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Fighting is inevitable. Fighting well is a healthy practice that can create more closeness and intimacy between partners. But fighting poorly can lead to devastating pain, distance, and erosion of emotional safety.

Learning to fight smart banishes the old ideal of having a winner and a loser (I win, you lose) which only serves to keep us separate and makes us feel like opponents, if not enemies! FIGHTING SMART pushes us to embrace the concept of true mutuality, the idea that we are a team, and that if you lose, I do too. In other words, the only way I win is if WE win.

The great thing is that you don’t even have to go to marriage therapy to learn the four best tips to fighting smart:

1. Remember: Friend Not Foe

If your partner is in fight mode and shows signs of anger, stay calm and remember that this is your best friend, and not the enemy. Respond by relieving his/her distress first. This is not a maneuver that weakens you, and in fact it is the strongest “WE come first” ninja move.

Apologize if there is anything you’ve done to contribute to your partner’s anger or distress. If you can find nothing to genuinely apologize for, then find something in what your partner is saying that you can agree with. By responding with relief first, the fight may be over before it ever ignites.

2. Aim Above the Heart, Not Below the Belt

Don’t criticize or name-call. Anything that attacks your partner’s character will be a damaging low-blow, and will add a burst of oxygen to the hot coals. Instead of criticizing, if you have a complaint about behaviors, express it in loving, non-assaultive language. An advanced technique is to wait until a calm, argument-free time (instead of during a fight) to bring up complaints or issues you feel need to be worked on.

While accessing the loving-kindness of your heart, be sure to gaze into your beloved’s eyes. Sustained eye contact will quickly help the heat between you simmer down. If you struggle with gazing into your partner’s eyes, imagine seeing them as an adorable baby. With a gleam in your eye, imagine conveying your love to that precious little child.

3. Agree on These 4 W’s

Who? …….  Just you two. Don’t fight in public, through social media, in front of friends, or in front of family.

What? ……. Keep to the current issue. Don’t dredge up past injuries or issues. Doing so will lead you away from resolution.

When? ……  Only fight during normal daytime hours. Don’t fight when you’re heading to bed. Never wake your partner up to fight.

Where? ….   Only fight when you’re in person and face-to-face. Remember, you need to make good eye contact. Never fight when you’re sitting in a car, walking side by side, on the phone, through texts, or via emails.

Violating any of these agreements will increase the threat to you and/or your partner, and therefore, to your relationship. The goal is always to protect the relationship by minimizing any threat. This will keep a fight a fight, rather than converting it into a blazing WAR.

4. Keep it Petite and Playful

What makes a fight short and sweet? Just decide to keep your fight brief and to approach it in the spirit of play. By fighting playfully and only for a few minutes, you will create an opportunity to engage with your partner in a way that allows you both to have some fun, fool around, learn a thing or two, and maybe even morph from fight to foreplay. Sound better than the fights you’re so tired of having?

At the onset of your next fight, try agreeing with your partner on a limited length of time to fight (say 10 minutes). Then set one phone timer to go off one minute before your time is up and the other phone timer to go off at the end of the agreed upon length of time. When the first timer goes off, take that last minute to wind things up on a positive note and to decide on an activity to do together next. For example, when the final timer rings, you could sing your favorite song, go for a walk, cook dinner together, give each other a foot massage, dance in the kitchen, or make love. The point is that you end the playful fight after just a few minutes, then shift into doing something together that is positive and fun.

Now you know that couples who fight smart love longer, I hope you’ll practice these 4 steps the next time you and your partner get into an argument.   As a marriage therapist and relationship coach, for over 20 years I’ve been helping couples learn how to fight smart. I hope this article will help you and your relationship. I’d love to hear your thoughts, so please leave a comment below. If you need more help, you can call me at (719) 544-2016.

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Here’s why I’m “tooting my own horn” on this one: I’d like to let you in on what makes my couples therapy practice so unique. While I’m in the company of many great and talented therapists in my region, I believe that I have the greatest amount of experience doing couples counseling, and I have the highest credentials related to relationship therapy: a Doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy.

When I first started doing psychotherapy more than twenty years ago, I was a “generalist.” In other words, I worked with anyone and everyone that was seeking help. I counseled adults, children, teens, individuals, families, and couples. Well, you know what they say: “Jane of all trades, master of none.”

A few years ago I realized that my deepest passion is in helping couples have happy, secure, successful relationships! I narrowed my focus to working almost exclusively with couples. By finding my niche, I have honed my skills and focused on becoming a master couples counselor.

By specializing in couples counseling, I have expanded my expertise in the area of marriage and committed relationships. On top of an amazing education in my PhD program, I continue to invest in state-of-the-art training in couples therapy. Over the past two years I have been in trainings and mentorship with Dr. Stan Tatkin, the founder of The PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) Institute.

When it comes to determining if I am one of the premier couples therapists in Southern Colorado, what’s even more important than my experience, credentials, and ongoing training in relationship counseling? The most important factor to consider is the incredible results that my clients achieve, in a relatively short amount of time, by working with me through my unique programs.

The couples I work with range in age from their 20’s to their 70’s. Most are either married or in a long-term, committed relationship. Many of the couples that come to me for help feel like they are at the end of their rope. They’re frustrated because they have trouble communicating effectively, they either argue too much or feel completely disconnected, and they often struggle with trust. Some of the couples I treat tell me “this is our last ditch effort” because they are at a breaking point.

When these same couples finish my couples therapy program, they have become experts on each other. They have mastered communicating so that they each feel completely understood, and have repaired damaged trust. My clients even learn to fight in a way that is not damaging: it actually leads to relief and resolution. Simply put, my clients report feeling in love again!

One of the greatest things about the way I do couples therapy is that it is not the traditional, slow, drawn-out therapy process. I have developed a transformational relationship program that helps couples make lasting, positive changes, FAST. This is another reason I believe I’m one of the best couples therapist in Pueblo and Southern Colorado.

If you’re interested in finally resolving the relationship problems that have you feeling stuck or are keeping you up at night, give me a call at (719) 544-2016. I’d love to help you become the happiest couple you know!

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If the feelings of being in love with your spouse seem like a distant memory and you want to bring them back into your present life, believe it or not, couples counseling helps you fall back in love.

Many of the couples I work with in relationship therapy start out saying something along the lines of “We know we love each other, but we don’t really feel all that ‘in love’ with each other anymore.” Often, by the time these couples finish marriage therapy, they have fallen back in love, and are enjoying a happier, more secure connection.

Let me tell you about 7 ways couples counseling will help you fall back in love:

• Showing up for couples counseling is a signal to your spouse that he/she is your priority, and that your relationship comes first. That may not sound sexy to you, but it is! As humans, we crave attention and want to know that we matter. And when we suddenly experience being our significant other’s priority and getting focused attention from them in spite of the inconvenience, cost, and initial discomfort of going to therapy, the once frozen feelings begin to thaw.

• You’ll learn to listen to each other in a new and improved way during counseling sessions. Feeling really heard and completely understood infuses us with emotions of being in love. Remember the early days of your relationship (when you were totally in love)? Remember how you spent hours talking to each other and feeling like nobody “got” you like your new partner? Well, you can recapture that by tuning back in, sharpening your listening skills, and being each other’s confidant.

• Couples counseling is a safe place to open up and be vulnerable. Chances are that if you’re not feeling those “in love” feelings for your spouse, either one, or both of you have built up a wall and have stopped being completely open and vulnerable. Intimacy and feeling in love go hand-in-hand with openness and vulnerability. A relationship therapist will help you tear down that wall so you can create the open space to fall back in love.

• By cleaning up resentments from the past, your heart and vision will soften. You’ll start noticing the good stuff again. Resentments tend to block your ability to see the positive efforts, good character, genuine caring, and attractive qualities in your partner. But once the resentments fade away, you’ll stop feeling so angry and you’ll start to notice the things that you fell in love with in the first place. And, Voilà! You’ll fall in love all over again.

• A good marriage therapist will help you and your partner become experts on one another. As an expert on your partner, you’ll learn how to recognize emotions on her face, how to read his body language more accurately, or know what she reflexively does when she’s feeling threatened or stressed. Additionally, you’ll learn how to help your partner shift into a more positive emotional state, and how to consistently use attraction to get your partner to move toward you. By being experts on each other, you and your spouse will feel more secure and you’ll naturally allow the “in-love” chemicals to flow between you.

• You’ll finally find solutions to the nagging, recurrent problems that make you feel more like a parent than a partner. We all know that relating to your spouse as a parent or a child is not a good equation for romantic love. Nothing squashes libido and feelings of being in love quicker than a parent/child dynamic in an intimate relationship. You’ve got to function as competent, adult partners in order to tap back into romantic love. A skilled couples counselor can help.

• Transform your pattern of fighting into one that is less intense, not mean, and ends playfully. With some expert relationship therapy, this is possible. After you learn this new way of fighting, you’ll find that you’re both more likely to be in the mood for “make up sex” and you’ll notice yourself falling in love with your partner again.

Don’t hesitate to go to couples counseling if you want to fall back in love with your partner. For over two decades I’ve been helping couples in and around Pueblo Colorado fall back in love with each other. I can help you, too!

Call me at (719) 544-2016 to schedule a free consultation.

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The good news is that because of this same interconnectedness, you are in a unique position to help regulate your partner’s anxious emotional state, and help them move through an episode of anxiety more quickly and comfortably. And then you’ll both feel relieved.  Below, I will share the 5 helpful things to do if your partner suffers from anxiety.

Remembering a few important points will help you cope better when your partner has an anxiety flare-up. So, the next time your partner spins into anxiety, remind yourself that you are not the cause of his/her  anxiety, and neither are they. Don’t take it personally and don’t judge or blame him/her.  Also, remind yourself that when your partner is under the influence of anxiety, he/she isn’t  in a position to take care of you, and that it’s your turn to step into the role of being your partner’s  caregiver until the anxiety passes.

Here are 5 helpful things to do if your partner suffers from anxiety:

1. Become an expert on how your partner does anxiety

That means you need to learn about anxiety in general (many great resources online) and you need to understand how anxiety shows up in your partner specifically. What does your partner feel when she is anxious? Where does your partner feel it in his body? What triggers her anxiety? How does your partner’s face change when he/she is anxious? What specific symptoms of anxiety is your partner prone to experience?

Part of what compounds anxiety for many people is the feeling that nobody understands, and that they are, therefore, all alone. By becoming an expert on how your partner experiences anxiety, both mentally and physically, your partner will know that he is not alone, and that you are there to quickly help him feel calm, safe and secure.

2. Identify how much physical closeness helps soothe your partner’s anxiety

More than likely, when your partner is having an anxiety attack, her irrational fears have thrown her into a state of perceived threat. So, notice whether your partner feels more relief from threat when you move toward him/her or when you stay at a bit of a distance from him/her.  Will he be more comforted if you gaze into his eyes and give him a big hug, or if you sit next to her on the couch and help her slow down her breathing?

If you aren’t sure whether your partner feels better if you move close or if give him/her a bit of space, you can do a little experiment together where you move in super close to your partner, and then ask your partner to position you in a way that is most comfortable to him/her. Once you know how much closeness is ideal for your partner, you can do a better job of soothing her when she is anxious.

3. Listen, support, and relieve

At the first sign that your partner is having anxiety, reach out to him with the amount of physical closeness that you’ve determined is most soothing, and then invite him to talk about what he’s experiencing, thinking, and feeling. Listen carefully without judging or belittling. Let your partner know that she is not alone, and that you’re there for her. Ask how you can help. Remember to keep your tone of voice even and sweet, because loud or clipped voice tones can actually trigger the sense of threat and increase anxiety.

After your partner has shared with you what he is anxious about, remind him that this is a temporary state, and go over the list of things that helps him get through anxious situations. If you don’t have a list yet, write down the things that most help your partner get through episodes of anxiety so you’ll be prepared to remind her  of the process when she needs  it most. The list might include: a long embrace, talking it out, intentionally taking several deep, slow breaths, moving their body, and repeating a positive affirmation.

4. Create a shift

Once your partner has talked through his current anxiety, move into action to help ignite a shift in emotional state. Talking alone, does not usually bring about a significant shift.

Here are a few ideas that can quickly create a positive mental and physiological shift in your partner’s anxious state: use humor and laugh together, play patty-cake or catch, dance together, go for a walk or run, do synchronized deep breathing, cook a meal, look at your favorite pictures, brush each other’s hair for 10 minutes, or talk in a funny accent. Get creative! You’ll be surprised at how well this will work.

5. Reflect on progress

You can help improve your partner’s overall relationship to anxiety by pointing out improvements and progress as they occur. Improvements might include shorter episodes of anxiety, less severity of anxiety symptoms, no longer getting anxious over certain past triggers, greater hope and confidence around anxious situations, and meeting specific goals related to the things that provoke anxiety. Any time you notice even the smallest improvement, be sure to amplify it by commenting on it in detail in a very positive and affirming way. This will reinforce and accelerate your partner’s progress.

By practicing these 5 helpful things to do if your partner suffers from anxiety, you will provide a safe place for  your partner to heal more quickly and you will become a more secure, functioning couple.

In my 20+ years of doing relationship coaching and marriage therapy, I have discovered the path to relationship happiness and security. Please share your reactions, other tips to helping an anxious partner, and your personal experiences below.  If you and your partner need more help navigating the issues that arise with anxiety, give me a call at (719) 544-2016 so we can talk and discover the best way to help you out.

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