Some of the things that we put off, to our own detriment, include: going to bed early enough to get plenty of sleep, a consistent meditation practice, going in for an annual physical, drinking plenty of water, getting a Will and Living Will set up, exercising regularly, and going to see a marriage therapist when our relationship is out of whack.

Part of the problem is that we usually don’t even realize the downside of procrastinating and neglecting to do the very things that will help us succeed in our life and relationship. We can spend years minimizing issues, or even in outright denial of them. Often we wait until something “bad” happens, and only then pull off the blinders. At that point, unfortunately, it can be too late.

So before something really bad happens in your relationship or marriage, let me help you take down the blinders, and shine a light on some of the signs that you may need to find a marriage counselor right away.

Do You Need Marriage Therapy? Here are 20 Signs You Need to Get to Couples Counseling Now:

1. One or both of you has threatened your relationship by suggesting a trial separation, break up, or divorce.

2. You’re keeping secrets from your partner. Or you’re pretty sure your partner is keeping secrets from you.

3. You no longer tell each other everything.

4. You fight too often, and never resolve anything.

5. You never or rarely have sex.

6. You’d rather be on FaceBook for hours than talk to your spouse.

7. One of you has just admitted to cheating.

8. Your partner spends more time on his/her phone than talking to you.

9. Your communication is so bad that you almost never feel completely heard or understood.

10. You dread coming home after work.

11. Your marriage feels more like a prison sentence than a safe and happy haven.

12. You feel like “just roommates” or business partners.

13. You haven’t had a date night in over 3 months.

14. You no longer put your relationship first—even before the kids.

15. You notice you keep thinking of relationship “exit strategies.”

16. You’re angry at your partner much of the time, and you’re not sure you can ever get over the growing resentments.

17. There’s jealousy in your relationship that never gets resolved.

18. You don’t feel like your partner always has your back.

19. You don’t feel emotionally protected by your partner, either when you’re alone, or when you’re around others.

20. You’re thinking about talking to a divorce lawyer, but you feel you should “try everything” first.

If any several of these 20 signs you need to get to couples counseling now are currently happening in your relationship, you should talk it over with your partner and consider making an appointment with a couples counselor soon. If you can check off 3 or more of these statements as pertaining to you and your relationship, I urge you to call a marriage therapist today! Don’t wait until it’s too late. You owe it to yourself and your partner to get help and repair your relationship so that you can have a secure and happy future.

If you would like to talk it over with a marriage therapist and see if couples counseling is the right choice for you, please call me today at (719) 544-2016. I’ve been helping couples transform their relationship for over 20 years, and I can help you, too.

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Fighting is inevitable. Fighting well is a healthy practice that can create more closeness and intimacy between partners. But fighting poorly can lead to devastating pain, distance, and erosion of emotional safety.

Learning to fight smart banishes the old ideal of having a winner and a loser (I win, you lose) which only serves to keep us separate and makes us feel like opponents, if not enemies! FIGHTING SMART pushes us to embrace the concept of true mutuality, the idea that we are a team, and that if you lose, I do too. In other words, the only way I win is if WE win.

The great thing is that you don’t even have to go to marriage therapy to learn the four best tips to fighting smart:

1. Remember: Friend Not Foe

If your partner is in fight mode and shows signs of anger, stay calm and remember that this is your best friend, and not the enemy. Respond by relieving his/her distress first. This is not a maneuver that weakens you, and in fact it is the strongest “WE come first” ninja move.

Apologize if there is anything you’ve done to contribute to your partner’s anger or distress. If you can find nothing to genuinely apologize for, then find something in what your partner is saying that you can agree with. By responding with relief first, the fight may be over before it ever ignites.

2. Aim Above the Heart, Not Below the Belt

Don’t criticize or name-call. Anything that attacks your partner’s character will be a damaging low-blow, and will add a burst of oxygen to the hot coals. Instead of criticizing, if you have a complaint about behaviors, express it in loving, non-assaultive language. An advanced technique is to wait until a calm, argument-free time (instead of during a fight) to bring up complaints or issues you feel need to be worked on.

While accessing the loving-kindness of your heart, be sure to gaze into your beloved’s eyes. Sustained eye contact will quickly help the heat between you simmer down. If you struggle with gazing into your partner’s eyes, imagine seeing them as an adorable baby. With a gleam in your eye, imagine conveying your love to that precious little child.

3. Agree on These 4 W’s

Who? …….  Just you two. Don’t fight in public, through social media, in front of friends, or in front of family.

What? ……. Keep to the current issue. Don’t dredge up past injuries or issues. Doing so will lead you away from resolution.

When? ……  Only fight during normal daytime hours. Don’t fight when you’re heading to bed. Never wake your partner up to fight.

Where? ….   Only fight when you’re in person and face-to-face. Remember, you need to make good eye contact. Never fight when you’re sitting in a car, walking side by side, on the phone, through texts, or via emails.

Violating any of these agreements will increase the threat to you and/or your partner, and therefore, to your relationship. The goal is always to protect the relationship by minimizing any threat. This will keep a fight a fight, rather than converting it into a blazing WAR.

4. Keep it Petite and Playful

What makes a fight short and sweet? Just decide to keep your fight brief and to approach it in the spirit of play. By fighting playfully and only for a few minutes, you will create an opportunity to engage with your partner in a way that allows you both to have some fun, fool around, learn a thing or two, and maybe even morph from fight to foreplay. Sound better than the fights you’re so tired of having?

At the onset of your next fight, try agreeing with your partner on a limited length of time to fight (say 10 minutes). Then set one phone timer to go off one minute before your time is up and the other phone timer to go off at the end of the agreed upon length of time. When the first timer goes off, take that last minute to wind things up on a positive note and to decide on an activity to do together next. For example, when the final timer rings, you could sing your favorite song, go for a walk, cook dinner together, give each other a foot massage, dance in the kitchen, or make love. The point is that you end the playful fight after just a few minutes, then shift into doing something together that is positive and fun.

Now you know that couples who fight smart love longer, I hope you’ll practice these 4 steps the next time you and your partner get into an argument.   As a marriage therapist and relationship coach, for over 20 years I’ve been helping couples learn how to fight smart. I hope this article will help you and your relationship. I’d love to hear your thoughts, so please leave a comment below. If you need more help, you can call me at (719) 544-2016.

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Here’s why I’m “tooting my own horn” on this one: I’d like to let you in on what makes my couples therapy practice so unique. While I’m in the company of many great and talented therapists in my region, I believe that I have the greatest amount of experience doing couples counseling, and I have the highest credentials related to relationship therapy: a Doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy.

When I first started doing psychotherapy more than twenty years ago, I was a “generalist.” In other words, I worked with anyone and everyone that was seeking help. I counseled adults, children, teens, individuals, families, and couples. Well, you know what they say: “Jane of all trades, master of none.”

A few years ago I realized that my deepest passion is in helping couples have happy, secure, successful relationships! I narrowed my focus to working almost exclusively with couples. By finding my niche, I have honed my skills and focused on becoming a master couples counselor.

By specializing in couples counseling, I have expanded my expertise in the area of marriage and committed relationships. On top of an amazing education in my PhD program, I continue to invest in state-of-the-art training in couples therapy. Over the past two years I have been in trainings and mentorship with Dr. Stan Tatkin, the founder of The PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) Institute.

When it comes to determining if I am one of the premier couples therapists in Southern Colorado, what’s even more important than my experience, credentials, and ongoing training in relationship counseling? The most important factor to consider is the incredible results that my clients achieve, in a relatively short amount of time, by working with me through my unique programs.

The couples I work with range in age from their 20’s to their 70’s. Most are either married or in a long-term, committed relationship. Many of the couples that come to me for help feel like they are at the end of their rope. They’re frustrated because they have trouble communicating effectively, they either argue too much or feel completely disconnected, and they often struggle with trust. Some of the couples I treat tell me “this is our last ditch effort” because they are at a breaking point.

When these same couples finish my couples therapy program, they have become experts on each other. They have mastered communicating so that they each feel completely understood, and have repaired damaged trust. My clients even learn to fight in a way that is not damaging: it actually leads to relief and resolution. Simply put, my clients report feeling in love again!

One of the greatest things about the way I do couples therapy is that it is not the traditional, slow, drawn-out therapy process. I have developed a transformational relationship program that helps couples make lasting, positive changes, FAST. This is another reason I believe I’m one of the best couples therapist in Pueblo and Southern Colorado.

If you’re interested in finally resolving the relationship problems that have you feeling stuck or are keeping you up at night, give me a call at (719) 544-2016. I’d love to help you become the happiest couple you know!

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If the feelings of being in love with your spouse seem like a distant memory and you want to bring them back into your present life, believe it or not, couples counseling helps you fall back in love.

Many of the couples I work with in relationship therapy start out saying something along the lines of “We know we love each other, but we don’t really feel all that ‘in love’ with each other anymore.” Often, by the time these couples finish marriage therapy, they have fallen back in love, and are enjoying a happier, more secure connection.

Let me tell you about 7 ways couples counseling will help you fall back in love:

• Showing up for couples counseling is a signal to your spouse that he/she is your priority, and that your relationship comes first. That may not sound sexy to you, but it is! As humans, we crave attention and want to know that we matter. And when we suddenly experience being our significant other’s priority and getting focused attention from them in spite of the inconvenience, cost, and initial discomfort of going to therapy, the once frozen feelings begin to thaw.

• You’ll learn to listen to each other in a new and improved way during counseling sessions. Feeling really heard and completely understood infuses us with emotions of being in love. Remember the early days of your relationship (when you were totally in love)? Remember how you spent hours talking to each other and feeling like nobody “got” you like your new partner? Well, you can recapture that by tuning back in, sharpening your listening skills, and being each other’s confidant.

• Couples counseling is a safe place to open up and be vulnerable. Chances are that if you’re not feeling those “in love” feelings for your spouse, either one, or both of you have built up a wall and have stopped being completely open and vulnerable. Intimacy and feeling in love go hand-in-hand with openness and vulnerability. A relationship therapist will help you tear down that wall so you can create the open space to fall back in love.

• By cleaning up resentments from the past, your heart and vision will soften. You’ll start noticing the good stuff again. Resentments tend to block your ability to see the positive efforts, good character, genuine caring, and attractive qualities in your partner. But once the resentments fade away, you’ll stop feeling so angry and you’ll start to notice the things that you fell in love with in the first place. And, Voilà! You’ll fall in love all over again.

• A good marriage therapist will help you and your partner become experts on one another. As an expert on your partner, you’ll learn how to recognize emotions on her face, how to read his body language more accurately, or know what she reflexively does when she’s feeling threatened or stressed. Additionally, you’ll learn how to help your partner shift into a more positive emotional state, and how to consistently use attraction to get your partner to move toward you. By being experts on each other, you and your spouse will feel more secure and you’ll naturally allow the “in-love” chemicals to flow between you.

• You’ll finally find solutions to the nagging, recurrent problems that make you feel more like a parent than a partner. We all know that relating to your spouse as a parent or a child is not a good equation for romantic love. Nothing squashes libido and feelings of being in love quicker than a parent/child dynamic in an intimate relationship. You’ve got to function as competent, adult partners in order to tap back into romantic love. A skilled couples counselor can help.

• Transform your pattern of fighting into one that is less intense, not mean, and ends playfully. With some expert relationship therapy, this is possible. After you learn this new way of fighting, you’ll find that you’re both more likely to be in the mood for “make up sex” and you’ll notice yourself falling in love with your partner again.

Don’t hesitate to go to couples counseling if you want to fall back in love with your partner. For over two decades I’ve been helping couples in and around Pueblo Colorado fall back in love with each other. I can help you, too!

Call me at (719) 544-2016 to schedule a free consultation.

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Wondering about reconnecting after your children are grown and where to start?  Renewing the intimacy in your marriage after the kids have grown up is challenging for most couples. You’ve been focused on the kids and family for ages, and suddenly you are alone together for the first time in years. Feeling distant? It’s not unusual. One-on-one time may have been hard to come by as you were raising your children.  And as the years passed, you and your spouse may have stopped focusing on each other.

If you’re worried about what the future holds for you as a couple, I can tell you that there is hope. With some commitment, a little work and more play, you can rekindle your love, reconnect on a deeper level, and perhaps find a sweetness together that you never could have imagined.

Think of this as another stage in the evolution of your relationship. Who you were when you were dating morphed into who you were as a married couple.  Then your relationship morphed again when you became parents, with all the stress that goes along with the responsibility of raising children.

Now, you have arrived at another stage of your partnership, and though your nest may be feeling empty, you finally have the chance to focus on rediscovering one another. The ultimate goal is to reconnect with your partner by remembering the things that brought you together in the first place, and by exploring new ways of sharing positive experiences as a couple.

Reconnecting in Marriage: Simple Steps Back to Intimacy

There are many ways in which you can rebuild a deep connection and rekindle the love you share with your partner. Remember that the two of you have been together through some pretty incredible times, and at its core your relationship is built on love and mutuality. Here are some simple techniques to help you rediscover each other at this new life stage.

Talk to each other

Remember how in the beginning of your relationship you talked about everything? Make it a priority to talk with your partner, again. Talk about the day, talk about tomorrow, and talk about what you’ve each got going on. Talk about your relationship, the things you cherish, and the things you are grateful for, and the dreams for your future. Re-affirm your commitment to each other by taking a deep and genuine interest in one other through conversation. In this way you will rediscover the friendship in your relationship.

Travel or Take Time Off – Together

Plan a weekend getaway, or even a day-trip to discover nearby attractions. If you can’t get away, take several hours to go to a coffee shop, a park, or an art gallery together and unplug — no phones, no television, no mobile devices, no distractions. Focus on each other, away from the day-to-day routine. Breaking out of our routines and choosing to have a laser focus on our partner is one of the best ways to create a new, innovative spark. Make it a habit to laugh and to amplify positive moments by savoring them together.

Find a Hobby to do Together

Rediscover things that you both used to enjoy and explore new activities that you might have fun doing together. Play a round of golf, join a hiking group, or take a dance class, an art class or a cooking class. Go horseback riding, kayaking, bicycling, or simply volunteer together in the community. Whatever hobby you end up with, make sure it is something you both have fun doing. By stepping outside of your norm, you will infuse your relationship with new shared experiences, new ways of seeing each other, and new things to talk about.

Go on Dates

Be spontaneous! If your schedule is too erratic or hectic to allow for spontaneity, schedule your date nights in advance. Making time for each other, uninterrupted, will open new doors to intimacy and help you rediscover what brought you together in the first place. Be sure to take turns planning dates and coming up with fun ways of spending time together that you’ll both enjoy. Try to do something that allows for interaction and conversation. Oh, and make an agreement not to talk about “problems” on your date. The idea is to have fun!

Go to Marriage Therapy

While the first year or so after the kids have left home might be super stressful, you are not without resources. Marriage Therapy can help you get through these difficult times and give you the tools you need to be able to put your relationship first, and begin to see each other in a loving light once again.

Now that you know about reconnecting after your children are grown and where to start, I invite you to take some of these steps with your spouse.  If you find that you are stuck and need a little more help to move forward, give me a call.

For over 20 years I’ve been helping couples in and around Pueblo, CO, find their way back to reconnecting. As a Marriage Therapist, I specialize in intimacy issues, and can help you see your spouse in a positive light as you find your way back to focusing on each other. Call today at (719) 544-2016 for a free consultation.

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Poor communication is one of the main stressors on any relationship. Sometimes the simplest of messages can be misunderstood, causing hurt, resentment or in some cases leading to a full-on argument. Couples counseling, also known as marriage therapy or relationship counseling, focuses on teaching the skills of good communication. Discover below the five communication lessons you can learn in relationship counseling.

Five Communication Tips that can Transform Your Marriage

Although there are many communication concepts to explore, there are five important skills that will improve your relationship immediately:

1. First Response Principle: Remember, the conflict is not caused by the person who initiates the discussion, but by the person who is responding. The power over whether a fight occurs lies solely with the responder, whose reactions will determine the direction the conversation will take.
2. Listen First, Before Trying to Make Your Own Case: It is human nature to want to be heard and understood in all our interactions. Don’t forget that you and your partner are both in this together, and when you focus on putting your relationship first and understanding your partner, you can shift the dynamic and encourage open communication. Listen with an open heart and mind. You don’t have to agree with everything your partner is saying in order to make them feel understood.
3. Respond with Relief and Repair: When your partner is upset and tells you about it, make your first response one that will relieve their distress. If they feel injured by something you did or said, repair that right away. A simple “I’m sorry!” goes a long way. The quicker you relieve your partner’s negative feelings and repair the hurt, the less chance of escalating into a fight and of banking another negative memory.
4. Stay Calm: Losing your temper is the quickest way to derail any discussion and turn it into something really ugly. If things start to go in that direction, take a break, do something playful instead, and revisit the subject another time. It’s better to stay calm and have several short discussions about a topic, than to lose your temper and try to talk it out anyway. Be mindful of your own inner dialogue to be sure you are not amplifying negative emotions within yourself.
5. Do Not Criticize: When communicating, make sure you avoid criticism, put-downs, eye rolling, insults or negative body language. All of these behaviors are threatening, and will put your partner on the defensive, inhibit understanding, and create hurt feelings and anger.

Communication is the Key to Understanding

Many couples have problems with communication. And poor communication skills have been the downfall of many a relationship. Of all the skills you’ll get, these five communication lessons you can learn in relationship counseling are some of the of the most essential. Practice these five communication principles in your day-to-day interactions and you will learn more about yourself and your partner, fostering the kind of intimacy and understanding that is the key to a lifetime of happiness and security.

Couples Counseling in Pueblo, CO

For more than twenty years, I have been helping couples in and near Pueblo, CO learn better communication, and enjoy deeper intimacy, satisfaction, and security in their relationships.  I can help you, too. If you want to find out more about how couples counseling can help you and your partner communicate effectively, call to schedule a consultation today. Your initial consultation is free, and you will be one step closer to becoming the happiest couple you know.

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Even the most healthy, loving relationships are likely to hit roadblocks from time to time, and often these roadblocks are too big to navigate on your own. If marital problems turn into recurring fights and resentments, you might start to ask yourself “are we going to make it?”

The answer to this question may lie in the question itself – because if you are asking yourself this question, it shows that you care enough about your relationship to want to make it work. However, the desire to get your relationship back on track and knowing how to make that happen, are two different things. Often, couples need help repairing damage in their relationship and learning how to make changes to create a lasting, secure and happy future.

Do We Need Couples Counseling?

Are you going through a rough patch in your relationship? If you’re wondering whether you need couples counseling ask yourself these five questions:

What are our life’s dreams? What dreams do we share? Since the answer to this question can change over time, it is important to talk about your relationship dreams on a regular basis. This will help you stay up to date on understanding one another’s dreams and desires. Specifically you can ask, “If we could have our ideal relationship, what would we need to change?”

How do we truly feel about our relationship right now? In what ways have you both changed since you first fell in love? Couples can go through many changes, both as individuals and as a unit. Some changes improve relationships, but unfortunately, some changes create problems. Take an honest look at your current situation and ask yourself how you feel. Do you each feel valued, secure, cared for, and like your partner always has your back? If not, you have a problem.

How effective is our communication? Do you end up fighting every time you need to have an important talk? When a couple can’t communicate openly and understand each other completely, it is nearly impossible to resolve problems for good. Learning ways to master your communication will help you build a deep sense of security and grow your happiness together.

How is our emotional intimacy and sex life? Do you tell each other everything? Do you feel a deep emotional and physical connection, passion or desire, and like you’re getting what you need in terms of closeness and intimacy? Take the time to get a clear understanding about how one another feel about this topic.

Are we both willing to change? You might pause and ask    yourself, “What happens if nothing changes in our relationship?” If the answer to that question is bleak, don’t hesitate to get some help. If you’re unhappy with significant parts of your relationship, both you and your partner will need to commit to making changes in order to have a relationship that makes you feel secure and happy.

Rekindle a Deeper Connection

How you and your partner respond to each of these five questions may provide insight into things that need to change within your relationship. By talking through them, you’ll begin to understand each other better and feel more connected. But you may also find that you need help to create the relationship that you desire.

A good marriage counselor can help you identify what your ideal relationship looks like, understand why you’re having the problems you’re having, learn how to communicate in ways that makes you feel understood, rekindle your emotional intimacy and sexual connection, and help you make the little changes that will transform your relationship into the one you dream of. If you feel that your relationship has hit difficulties that you can’t seem to get through on your own, it’s probably time to consult a professional.

Couples Counseling

If you think you might benefit from couples counseling or relationship coaching, give me a call for a free consultation.  We will talk together and figure out the best plan of action.  You can reach me at (719) 544-2016.  I look forward to chatting!

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A happy, healthy relationship doesn’t just happen. Sure, some couples seem to have it all, but in reality, every couple, has to work hard to have a good relationship.

The truth is, every person is different, so there is no one formula for the idyllic marriage. And in all honesty, ‘idyllic’ is not something you should expect: we are human, after all. Nobody is perfect. But hopefully your choice of partners is at least a great fit for you.

What’s their secret?

Even the happiest, most compatible couples go through trials and tribulations. But happy couples always manage to move beyond their problems with minimum damage and to feel love another day. Even though there isn’t a simple equation for happiness, putting your relationship first, repairing injuries quickly, and offering forgiveness are some of the most important keys to resolving conflict. Going a step further there is one thing you should tell your partner every day and it is not what you think.  This one thing will help you avoid conflict most of the time.

The Five Love Languages

Every couple is different. And individuals are different. It’s not uncommon for two people who love each other deeply to have opposite ways of expressing love and affection.

As author Gary Chapman has said, there are five basic ways that people prefer to receive and express love. Some people are very affectionate and place a great importance on physical touch, while others are uncomfortable sharing affection anywhere but in private. Some individuals enjoy giving and receiving gifts, while their partner may not place a high value on this type of expression of love. Some express love through acts of service, such as doing things around the house. Other people cite words of affirmation or shared quality time to be the most important ways of showing love.

Learning your partner’s style of giving and receiving love can help you feel closer. And, I believe that regardless of how far apart you may be from each other’s ideal love language, there is one thing you should tell your partner every day. Each day you can lovingly connect through one simple thing that your partner is sure to respond to: gratitude.

Two Words, Not Three

Being in a marriage or any committed relationship takes patience, love and respect. Staying together and thriving in your partnership is probably your ultimate goal. To get there, remember to pause frequently and notice how your partner improves your life.

Make sure your partner knows how important she is to you, every single day.  Be sure to  mentioning something he’s done that you are grateful for. Its more important than saying ‘I love you,’ ‘I miss you’, or even reminding him/her why you fell in love in the first place. By simply telling your partner ‘thank you’ for a specific thing at least once a day, you will increase the happiness in your relationship, no matter how different your preferred expression of love might be.

Now that you know the one thing you should tell your partner every day, go have amplify the positive feelings in your relationship with gratitude.

If you’re at a point in your relationship that you are struggling to find things you’re grateful for, you may need some professional help.  If that’s the case, give me a call at (719) 544-2016 for a free consult.  I’ll be happy to hear about your relationship and help you get back to being happy and grateful.

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Couples counseling isn’t just for fixing existing problems. In fact, addressing potential issues before they start is one key to a happy marriage. Relationship therapy can help you avoid potential problems before they ever occur, and also help you and your partner develop the five habits of happy couples.

If you take some time to think about the happiest, most successful couples you know, chances are they have several things in common. Developing healthy habits and agreements around putting your relationship first will go a long way to promoting the security and longevity of your relationship. Here are five ways to help keep your relationship happy:

1. Find common interests. Being able to do something you both enjoy is important. You can’t force your partner to like something he doesn’t, but why not spend time doing something you both enjoy? Watch the stress drop away and smiles show up.

2. Plan date nights regularly. Putting all other distractions aside, and paying undivided attention to your mate, is an essential component of intimacy. I highly recommend a weekly date night, if at all possible.

3. Break your routines. We all have our daily regime, but being spontaneous puts the spark back into every-day life. A little novelty and unpredictability will provide a sense of romance, wonder, and possibility.

4. Put away your phones. When you’re spending time together, put away the technology. Show up for your partner and let her know that she matters more. The rest of the world can wait.

5. Don’t nag. Focus on what your partner is doing right rather than what he is doing wrong. Pick your battles, and realize that some of the little things that annoy you don’t really matter that much.

Even though you have busy schedules and it’s hard to devote a huge amount of time to each other, making your relationship a priority will protect your relationship over time. So, be on the lookout for ways to spend time with your partner that are fun, that let you focus your attention on something that’s new and enjoyable, and that encourage interaction with one another.

Practice these five habits of happy couples, and watch how the happiness in your relationship grows.  But if you’re feeling stuck in an unhappy rut in your relationship, give me a call and we’ll talk over how to get you back to happy!  Call me at (719) 544-2016 and I will help you.

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