I caught my wife cheating. Now what do I do?

I caught my wife cheating. Now what do I do?

/in /by

If you just found out that your wife has been unfaithful, you might want to scream out “ I caught my wife cheating. Now what do I do? ”

But don’t.

Right now you’re a hot mess. And that’s understandable.

Even if you’ve been suspecting something wasn’t right, you never thought your spouse would actually have an affair. And whether it’s a physical or emotional affair, it doesn’t really matter.  Either way, the breach of trust is just as deep. Just as devastating.

That moment you got proof that she’s been cheating knocked the wind out of you like nothing you’ve ever experienced.

The intense emotions flooding your mind and body are bound to be wreaking havoc on you. You feel scared, disoriented, sad, angry, anxious, hopeless, and like beating someone up. You’re burning up inside!

All the trust that you’ve had in your wife has gone up in flames.  The world as you know it has been ripped apart by utter betrayal from the one person you should be able to trust the most.

If you’re going through this now, I’m sorry.

I know that the pain is almost unbearable. And that you wish you could just wake up from this hellish nightmare and find out it’s not real.

Your brain is hyper-focused on “my wife’s been cheating on me!!!”

You’re probably  asking yourself a bunch of questions. Like…How did this happen? Can my marriage be saved? Or is it already over?  Do I even want my relationship to survive? Will I ever be able to forgive her? And so on…

There are so many answers you want. But the main question is: I caught my wife cheating. Now what do I do?

Take a deep breath. I’m about to tell you exactly what to do.

Now that you know your wife has been having an affair, you need to STOP, DROP and ROLL.

STOP

First, stop yourself from rushing headlong into any big decisions. Decisions like:

    • Should I move out?
    • Do I need to file for a divorce?
    • Am I willing to forgive her?
    • What divorce attorney should I talk to?
    • Should I confront the other person?

Also, it’s important to stop yourself from self-medicating. By self-medicating I mean:

    • Drinking excessively
    • Getting high
    • Watching Porn
    • Gambling

And finally, practice thought stopping to give yourself a break from the constant affair theme looping through your mind. You can do that by simply saying “STOP” to the negative thoughts in your head and then shifting your focus onto something positive. For example, you could focus on:

    • Three things you’re grateful for
    • A happy memory
    • What you’re seeing and hearing in your environment at that very moment

DROP

Your next step is to drop.

Drop into the emotions that you’re experiencing. Let yourself feel all that you’re feeling.

Remember that everything you’re feeling is normal for the circumstances your living through. This depth of emotion won’t last forever. It’s temporary. But to avoid feeling the feelings will work against your healing in the long run.

Then drop into contemplation and reflection. Let yourself think about how you may have contributed to your relationship deteriorating to the point that your wife looked elsewhere for attention.

This is NOT to say that it’s your fault that she cheated on you. It is not your fault! Your partner had other, more protective choices she could have made.

Nevertheless, dropping into reflection about your part in your relationship problems will help you and your wife get through this painful situation.

Next, drop into the care of a trusted friend or family member. Share what you’re going through with at least one person that can be a support to you.

But a word of caution…

Be careful who you trust with this information.

Make sure it’s a person that will keep your confidence.  Also, be certain that it’s someone who won’t turn against your wife. Someone that has the capacity for understanding and forgiving. Otherwise, sharing what you’re going through now could damage the relationship between your trusted friend or family member and your wife in the future.

ROLL

And Finally it’s time to roll. To get grounded through action.

In order to extinguish the stress, anxiety, and grief that you’re experiencing, you should turn up your physical exercise routine immediately. And if you’re not exercising regularly, start now. Try to get a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise every day.

Also, instead of running away from your wife, it’s time to roll into activities with her. Even if that feels counter-intuitive. This will probably include some conversations about your relationship and the affair.

However, DO NOT spend all your time with your mate talking about that.  You need to step away from this problem as much as you step into talking about it.

I recommend that you start doing things together that you haven’t done in  awhile:

    • Go for walks
    • Grab a cup of coffee or tea together at your favorite coffee shop
    • Invite her on a date
    • Surprise her by taking her favorite lunch to her at work
    • Cook dinner together
    • Ask her if you can give her a foot rub
    • Dance

Be sure to do these things without talking about your relationship issues. Think of this…if every time you go do something with your wife you bring up her affair, she’s not going to want to keep doing things with you. That would be like pouring gasoline on the flames.

And finally, you must roll into Marriage Therapy. The most promising way to put this fire out is with professional help.

As a couple who has experienced infidelity, you’ll have a much better chance of learning how to save your marriage if you get help from a marriage therapist that has a lot of success in helping couples recover from affairs.

Having the answer to your question, “I caught my wife cheating. Now what do I do?” should help you begin to feel better.

If you live in Colorado and want to work with a highly qualified Denver couples counselor to help you heal your marriage completely, give me a call.