Fighting is inevitable. Fighting well is a healthy practice that can create more closeness and intimacy between partners. But fighting poorly can lead to devastating pain, distance, and erosion of emotional safety.

Learning to fight smart banishes the old ideal of having a winner and a loser (I win, you lose) which only serves to keep us separate and makes us feel like opponents, if not enemies! FIGHTING SMART pushes us to embrace the concept of true mutuality, the idea that we are a team, and that if you lose, I do too. In other words, the only way I win is if WE win.

The great thing is that you don’t even have to go to marriage therapy to learn the four best tips to fighting smart:

1. Remember: Friend Not Foe

If your partner is in fight mode and shows signs of anger, stay calm and remember that this is your best friend, and not the enemy. Respond by relieving his/her distress first. This is not a maneuver that weakens you, and in fact it is the strongest “WE come first” ninja move.

Apologize if there is anything you’ve done to contribute to your partner’s anger or distress. If you can find nothing to genuinely apologize for, then find something in what your partner is saying that you can agree with. By responding with relief first, the fight may be over before it ever ignites.

2. Aim Above the Heart, Not Below the Belt

Don’t criticize or name-call. Anything that attacks your partner’s character will be a damaging low-blow, and will add a burst of oxygen to the hot coals. Instead of criticizing, if you have a complaint about behaviors, express it in loving, non-assaultive language. An advanced technique is to wait until a calm, argument-free time (instead of during a fight) to bring up complaints or issues you feel need to be worked on.

While accessing the loving-kindness of your heart, be sure to gaze into your beloved’s eyes. Sustained eye contact will quickly help the heat between you simmer down. If you struggle with gazing into your partner’s eyes, imagine seeing them as an adorable baby. With a gleam in your eye, imagine conveying your love to that precious little child.

3. Agree on These 4 W’s

Who? …….  Just you two. Don’t fight in public, through social media, in front of friends, or in front of family.

What? ……. Keep to the current issue. Don’t dredge up past injuries or issues. Doing so will lead you away from resolution.

When? ……  Only fight during normal daytime hours. Don’t fight when you’re heading to bed. Never wake your partner up to fight.

Where? ….   Only fight when you’re in person and face-to-face. Remember, you need to make good eye contact. Never fight when you’re sitting in a car, walking side by side, on the phone, through texts, or via emails.

Violating any of these agreements will increase the threat to you and/or your partner, and therefore, to your relationship. The goal is always to protect the relationship by minimizing any threat. This will keep a fight a fight, rather than converting it into a blazing WAR.

4. Keep it Petite and Playful

What makes a fight short and sweet? Just decide to keep your fight brief and to approach it in the spirit of play. By fighting playfully and only for a few minutes, you will create an opportunity to engage with your partner in a way that allows you both to have some fun, fool around, learn a thing or two, and maybe even morph from fight to foreplay. Sound better than the fights you’re so tired of having?

At the onset of your next fight, try agreeing with your partner on a limited length of time to fight (say 10 minutes). Then set one phone timer to go off one minute before your time is up and the other phone timer to go off at the end of the agreed upon length of time. When the first timer goes off, take that last minute to wind things up on a positive note and to decide on an activity to do together next. For example, when the final timer rings, you could sing your favorite song, go for a walk, cook dinner together, give each other a foot massage, dance in the kitchen, or make love. The point is that you end the playful fight after just a few minutes, then shift into doing something together that is positive and fun.

Now you know that couples who fight smart love longer, I hope you’ll practice these 4 steps the next time you and your partner get into an argument.   As a marriage therapist and relationship coach, for over 20 years I’ve been helping couples learn how to fight smart. I hope this article will help you and your relationship. I’d love to hear your thoughts, so please leave a comment below. If you need more help, you can call me at (719) 544-2016.

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The good news is that because of this same interconnectedness, you are in a unique position to help regulate your partner’s anxious emotional state, and help them move through an episode of anxiety more quickly and comfortably. And then you’ll both feel relieved.  Below, I will share the 5 helpful things to do if your partner suffers from anxiety.

Remembering a few important points will help you cope better when your partner has an anxiety flare-up. So, the next time your partner spins into anxiety, remind yourself that you are not the cause of his/her  anxiety, and neither are they. Don’t take it personally and don’t judge or blame him/her.  Also, remind yourself that when your partner is under the influence of anxiety, he/she isn’t  in a position to take care of you, and that it’s your turn to step into the role of being your partner’s  caregiver until the anxiety passes.

Here are 5 helpful things to do if your partner suffers from anxiety:

1. Become an expert on how your partner does anxiety

That means you need to learn about anxiety in general (many great resources online) and you need to understand how anxiety shows up in your partner specifically. What does your partner feel when she is anxious? Where does your partner feel it in his body? What triggers her anxiety? How does your partner’s face change when he/she is anxious? What specific symptoms of anxiety is your partner prone to experience?

Part of what compounds anxiety for many people is the feeling that nobody understands, and that they are, therefore, all alone. By becoming an expert on how your partner experiences anxiety, both mentally and physically, your partner will know that he is not alone, and that you are there to quickly help him feel calm, safe and secure.

2. Identify how much physical closeness helps soothe your partner’s anxiety

More than likely, when your partner is having an anxiety attack, her irrational fears have thrown her into a state of perceived threat. So, notice whether your partner feels more relief from threat when you move toward him/her or when you stay at a bit of a distance from him/her.  Will he be more comforted if you gaze into his eyes and give him a big hug, or if you sit next to her on the couch and help her slow down her breathing?

If you aren’t sure whether your partner feels better if you move close or if give him/her a bit of space, you can do a little experiment together where you move in super close to your partner, and then ask your partner to position you in a way that is most comfortable to him/her. Once you know how much closeness is ideal for your partner, you can do a better job of soothing her when she is anxious.

3. Listen, support, and relieve

At the first sign that your partner is having anxiety, reach out to him with the amount of physical closeness that you’ve determined is most soothing, and then invite him to talk about what he’s experiencing, thinking, and feeling. Listen carefully without judging or belittling. Let your partner know that she is not alone, and that you’re there for her. Ask how you can help. Remember to keep your tone of voice even and sweet, because loud or clipped voice tones can actually trigger the sense of threat and increase anxiety.

After your partner has shared with you what he is anxious about, remind him that this is a temporary state, and go over the list of things that helps him get through anxious situations. If you don’t have a list yet, write down the things that most help your partner get through episodes of anxiety so you’ll be prepared to remind her  of the process when she needs  it most. The list might include: a long embrace, talking it out, intentionally taking several deep, slow breaths, moving their body, and repeating a positive affirmation.

4. Create a shift

Once your partner has talked through his current anxiety, move into action to help ignite a shift in emotional state. Talking alone, does not usually bring about a significant shift.

Here are a few ideas that can quickly create a positive mental and physiological shift in your partner’s anxious state: use humor and laugh together, play patty-cake or catch, dance together, go for a walk or run, do synchronized deep breathing, cook a meal, look at your favorite pictures, brush each other’s hair for 10 minutes, or talk in a funny accent. Get creative! You’ll be surprised at how well this will work.

5. Reflect on progress

You can help improve your partner’s overall relationship to anxiety by pointing out improvements and progress as they occur. Improvements might include shorter episodes of anxiety, less severity of anxiety symptoms, no longer getting anxious over certain past triggers, greater hope and confidence around anxious situations, and meeting specific goals related to the things that provoke anxiety. Any time you notice even the smallest improvement, be sure to amplify it by commenting on it in detail in a very positive and affirming way. This will reinforce and accelerate your partner’s progress.

By practicing these 5 helpful things to do if your partner suffers from anxiety, you will provide a safe place for  your partner to heal more quickly and you will become a more secure, functioning couple.

In my 20+ years of doing relationship coaching and marriage therapy, I have discovered the path to relationship happiness and security. Please share your reactions, other tips to helping an anxious partner, and your personal experiences below.  If you and your partner need more help navigating the issues that arise with anxiety, give me a call at (719) 544-2016 so we can talk and discover the best way to help you out.

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