Here’s why I’m “tooting my own horn” on this one: I’d like to let you in on what makes my couples therapy practice so unique. While I’m in the company of many great and talented therapists in my region, I believe that I have the greatest amount of experience doing couples counseling, and I have the highest credentials related to relationship therapy: a Doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy.

When I first started doing psychotherapy more than twenty years ago, I was a “generalist.” In other words, I worked with anyone and everyone that was seeking help. I counseled adults, children, teens, individuals, families, and couples. Well, you know what they say: “Jane of all trades, master of none.”

A few years ago I realized that my deepest passion is in helping couples have happy, secure, successful relationships! I narrowed my focus to working almost exclusively with couples. By finding my niche, I have honed my skills and focused on becoming a master couples counselor.

By specializing in couples counseling, I have expanded my expertise in the area of marriage and committed relationships. On top of an amazing education in my PhD program, I continue to invest in state-of-the-art training in couples therapy. Over the past two years I have been in trainings and mentorship with Dr. Stan Tatkin, the founder of The PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) Institute.

When it comes to determining if I am one of the premier couples therapists in Southern Colorado, what’s even more important than my experience, credentials, and ongoing training in relationship counseling? The most important factor to consider is the incredible results that my clients achieve, in a relatively short amount of time, by working with me through my unique programs.

The couples I work with range in age from their 20’s to their 70’s. Most are either married or in a long-term, committed relationship. Many of the couples that come to me for help feel like they are at the end of their rope. They’re frustrated because they have trouble communicating effectively, they either argue too much or feel completely disconnected, and they often struggle with trust. Some of the couples I treat tell me “this is our last ditch effort” because they are at a breaking point.

When these same couples finish my couples therapy program, they have become experts on each other. They have mastered communicating so that they each feel completely understood, and have repaired damaged trust. My clients even learn to fight in a way that is not damaging: it actually leads to relief and resolution. Simply put, my clients report feeling in love again!

One of the greatest things about the way I do couples therapy is that it is not the traditional, slow, drawn-out therapy process. I have developed a transformational relationship program that helps couples make lasting, positive changes, FAST. This is another reason I believe I’m one of the best couples therapist in Pueblo and Southern Colorado.

If you’re interested in finally resolving the relationship problems that have you feeling stuck or are keeping you up at night, give me a call at (719) 544-2016. I’d love to help you become the happiest couple you know!

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Wondering about reconnecting after your children are grown and where to start?  Renewing the intimacy in your marriage after the kids have grown up is challenging for most couples. You’ve been focused on the kids and family for ages, and suddenly you are alone together for the first time in years. Feeling distant? It’s not unusual. One-on-one time may have been hard to come by as you were raising your children.  And as the years passed, you and your spouse may have stopped focusing on each other.

If you’re worried about what the future holds for you as a couple, I can tell you that there is hope. With some commitment, a little work and more play, you can rekindle your love, reconnect on a deeper level, and perhaps find a sweetness together that you never could have imagined.

Think of this as another stage in the evolution of your relationship. Who you were when you were dating morphed into who you were as a married couple.  Then your relationship morphed again when you became parents, with all the stress that goes along with the responsibility of raising children.

Now, you have arrived at another stage of your partnership, and though your nest may be feeling empty, you finally have the chance to focus on rediscovering one another. The ultimate goal is to reconnect with your partner by remembering the things that brought you together in the first place, and by exploring new ways of sharing positive experiences as a couple.

Reconnecting in Marriage: Simple Steps Back to Intimacy

There are many ways in which you can rebuild a deep connection and rekindle the love you share with your partner. Remember that the two of you have been together through some pretty incredible times, and at its core your relationship is built on love and mutuality. Here are some simple techniques to help you rediscover each other at this new life stage.

Talk to each other

Remember how in the beginning of your relationship you talked about everything? Make it a priority to talk with your partner, again. Talk about the day, talk about tomorrow, and talk about what you’ve each got going on. Talk about your relationship, the things you cherish, and the things you are grateful for, and the dreams for your future. Re-affirm your commitment to each other by taking a deep and genuine interest in one other through conversation. In this way you will rediscover the friendship in your relationship.

Travel or Take Time Off – Together

Plan a weekend getaway, or even a day-trip to discover nearby attractions. If you can’t get away, take several hours to go to a coffee shop, a park, or an art gallery together and unplug — no phones, no television, no mobile devices, no distractions. Focus on each other, away from the day-to-day routine. Breaking out of our routines and choosing to have a laser focus on our partner is one of the best ways to create a new, innovative spark. Make it a habit to laugh and to amplify positive moments by savoring them together.

Find a Hobby to do Together

Rediscover things that you both used to enjoy and explore new activities that you might have fun doing together. Play a round of golf, join a hiking group, or take a dance class, an art class or a cooking class. Go horseback riding, kayaking, bicycling, or simply volunteer together in the community. Whatever hobby you end up with, make sure it is something you both have fun doing. By stepping outside of your norm, you will infuse your relationship with new shared experiences, new ways of seeing each other, and new things to talk about.

Go on Dates

Be spontaneous! If your schedule is too erratic or hectic to allow for spontaneity, schedule your date nights in advance. Making time for each other, uninterrupted, will open new doors to intimacy and help you rediscover what brought you together in the first place. Be sure to take turns planning dates and coming up with fun ways of spending time together that you’ll both enjoy. Try to do something that allows for interaction and conversation. Oh, and make an agreement not to talk about “problems” on your date. The idea is to have fun!

Go to Marriage Therapy

While the first year or so after the kids have left home might be super stressful, you are not without resources. Marriage Therapy can help you get through these difficult times and give you the tools you need to be able to put your relationship first, and begin to see each other in a loving light once again.

Now that you know about reconnecting after your children are grown and where to start, I invite you to take some of these steps with your spouse.  If you find that you are stuck and need a little more help to move forward, give me a call.

For over 20 years I’ve been helping couples in and around Pueblo, CO, find their way back to reconnecting. As a Marriage Therapist, I specialize in intimacy issues, and can help you see your spouse in a positive light as you find your way back to focusing on each other. Call today at (719) 544-2016 for a free consultation.

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Poor communication is one of the main stressors on any relationship. Sometimes the simplest of messages can be misunderstood, causing hurt, resentment or in some cases leading to a full-on argument. Couples counseling, also known as marriage therapy or relationship counseling, focuses on teaching the skills of good communication. Discover below the five communication lessons you can learn in relationship counseling.

Five Communication Tips that can Transform Your Marriage

Although there are many communication concepts to explore, there are five important skills that will improve your relationship immediately:

1. First Response Principle: Remember, the conflict is not caused by the person who initiates the discussion, but by the person who is responding. The power over whether a fight occurs lies solely with the responder, whose reactions will determine the direction the conversation will take.
2. Listen First, Before Trying to Make Your Own Case: It is human nature to want to be heard and understood in all our interactions. Don’t forget that you and your partner are both in this together, and when you focus on putting your relationship first and understanding your partner, you can shift the dynamic and encourage open communication. Listen with an open heart and mind. You don’t have to agree with everything your partner is saying in order to make them feel understood.
3. Respond with Relief and Repair: When your partner is upset and tells you about it, make your first response one that will relieve their distress. If they feel injured by something you did or said, repair that right away. A simple “I’m sorry!” goes a long way. The quicker you relieve your partner’s negative feelings and repair the hurt, the less chance of escalating into a fight and of banking another negative memory.
4. Stay Calm: Losing your temper is the quickest way to derail any discussion and turn it into something really ugly. If things start to go in that direction, take a break, do something playful instead, and revisit the subject another time. It’s better to stay calm and have several short discussions about a topic, than to lose your temper and try to talk it out anyway. Be mindful of your own inner dialogue to be sure you are not amplifying negative emotions within yourself.
5. Do Not Criticize: When communicating, make sure you avoid criticism, put-downs, eye rolling, insults or negative body language. All of these behaviors are threatening, and will put your partner on the defensive, inhibit understanding, and create hurt feelings and anger.

Communication is the Key to Understanding

Many couples have problems with communication. And poor communication skills have been the downfall of many a relationship. Of all the skills you’ll get, these five communication lessons you can learn in relationship counseling are some of the of the most essential. Practice these five communication principles in your day-to-day interactions and you will learn more about yourself and your partner, fostering the kind of intimacy and understanding that is the key to a lifetime of happiness and security.

Couples Counseling in Pueblo, CO

For more than twenty years, I have been helping couples in and near Pueblo, CO learn better communication, and enjoy deeper intimacy, satisfaction, and security in their relationships.  I can help you, too. If you want to find out more about how couples counseling can help you and your partner communicate effectively, call to schedule a consultation today. Your initial consultation is free, and you will be one step closer to becoming the happiest couple you know.

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Even the most healthy, loving relationships are likely to hit roadblocks from time to time, and often these roadblocks are too big to navigate on your own. If marital problems turn into recurring fights and resentments, you might start to ask yourself “are we going to make it?”

The answer to this question may lie in the question itself – because if you are asking yourself this question, it shows that you care enough about your relationship to want to make it work. However, the desire to get your relationship back on track and knowing how to make that happen, are two different things. Often, couples need help repairing damage in their relationship and learning how to make changes to create a lasting, secure and happy future.

Do We Need Couples Counseling?

Are you going through a rough patch in your relationship? If you’re wondering whether you need couples counseling ask yourself these five questions:

What are our life’s dreams? What dreams do we share? Since the answer to this question can change over time, it is important to talk about your relationship dreams on a regular basis. This will help you stay up to date on understanding one another’s dreams and desires. Specifically you can ask, “If we could have our ideal relationship, what would we need to change?”

How do we truly feel about our relationship right now? In what ways have you both changed since you first fell in love? Couples can go through many changes, both as individuals and as a unit. Some changes improve relationships, but unfortunately, some changes create problems. Take an honest look at your current situation and ask yourself how you feel. Do you each feel valued, secure, cared for, and like your partner always has your back? If not, you have a problem.

How effective is our communication? Do you end up fighting every time you need to have an important talk? When a couple can’t communicate openly and understand each other completely, it is nearly impossible to resolve problems for good. Learning ways to master your communication will help you build a deep sense of security and grow your happiness together.

How is our emotional intimacy and sex life? Do you tell each other everything? Do you feel a deep emotional and physical connection, passion or desire, and like you’re getting what you need in terms of closeness and intimacy? Take the time to get a clear understanding about how one another feel about this topic.

Are we both willing to change? You might pause and ask    yourself, “What happens if nothing changes in our relationship?” If the answer to that question is bleak, don’t hesitate to get some help. If you’re unhappy with significant parts of your relationship, both you and your partner will need to commit to making changes in order to have a relationship that makes you feel secure and happy.

Rekindle a Deeper Connection

How you and your partner respond to each of these five questions may provide insight into things that need to change within your relationship. By talking through them, you’ll begin to understand each other better and feel more connected. But you may also find that you need help to create the relationship that you desire.

A good marriage counselor can help you identify what your ideal relationship looks like, understand why you’re having the problems you’re having, learn how to communicate in ways that makes you feel understood, rekindle your emotional intimacy and sexual connection, and help you make the little changes that will transform your relationship into the one you dream of. If you feel that your relationship has hit difficulties that you can’t seem to get through on your own, it’s probably time to consult a professional.

Couples Counseling

If you think you might benefit from couples counseling or relationship coaching, give me a call for a free consultation.  We will talk together and figure out the best plan of action.  You can reach me at (719) 544-2016.  I look forward to chatting!

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A happy, healthy relationship doesn’t just happen. Sure, some couples seem to have it all, but in reality, every couple, has to work hard to have a good relationship.

The truth is, every person is different, so there is no one formula for the idyllic marriage. And in all honesty, ‘idyllic’ is not something you should expect: we are human, after all. Nobody is perfect. But hopefully your choice of partners is at least a great fit for you.

What’s their secret?

Even the happiest, most compatible couples go through trials and tribulations. But happy couples always manage to move beyond their problems with minimum damage and to feel love another day. Even though there isn’t a simple equation for happiness, putting your relationship first, repairing injuries quickly, and offering forgiveness are some of the most important keys to resolving conflict. Going a step further there is one thing you should tell your partner every day and it is not what you think.  This one thing will help you avoid conflict most of the time.

The Five Love Languages

Every couple is different. And individuals are different. It’s not uncommon for two people who love each other deeply to have opposite ways of expressing love and affection.

As author Gary Chapman has said, there are five basic ways that people prefer to receive and express love. Some people are very affectionate and place a great importance on physical touch, while others are uncomfortable sharing affection anywhere but in private. Some individuals enjoy giving and receiving gifts, while their partner may not place a high value on this type of expression of love. Some express love through acts of service, such as doing things around the house. Other people cite words of affirmation or shared quality time to be the most important ways of showing love.

Learning your partner’s style of giving and receiving love can help you feel closer. And, I believe that regardless of how far apart you may be from each other’s ideal love language, there is one thing you should tell your partner every day. Each day you can lovingly connect through one simple thing that your partner is sure to respond to: gratitude.

Two Words, Not Three

Being in a marriage or any committed relationship takes patience, love and respect. Staying together and thriving in your partnership is probably your ultimate goal. To get there, remember to pause frequently and notice how your partner improves your life.

Make sure your partner knows how important she is to you, every single day.  Be sure to  mentioning something he’s done that you are grateful for. Its more important than saying ‘I love you,’ ‘I miss you’, or even reminding him/her why you fell in love in the first place. By simply telling your partner ‘thank you’ for a specific thing at least once a day, you will increase the happiness in your relationship, no matter how different your preferred expression of love might be.

Now that you know the one thing you should tell your partner every day, go have amplify the positive feelings in your relationship with gratitude.

If you’re at a point in your relationship that you are struggling to find things you’re grateful for, you may need some professional help.  If that’s the case, give me a call at (719) 544-2016 for a free consult.  I’ll be happy to hear about your relationship and help you get back to being happy and grateful.

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Many marriage therapists and couple counselors agree that infidelity is one of the leading causes of failed marriages. This article is an insight into infidelity: who cheats and why?  Infidelity tears apart the trust that ought to be the foundation of the relationship, causing feelings of anger, insecurity, self-doubt and inadequacy that some couples never get past.

Understanding the reasons why people cheat is key to preventing affairs. You might believe you already know what would do if your spouse were to ever cheat. But for many people, uncovering the reasons why infidelity happened in the first place could open the door to repairing the damage, and making sure it would never happen again.

What is infidelity?

Every individual has their own idea about what infidelity means to them. Some people define cheating as having sexual intercourse with someone other than their spouse. To others, it could be just looking at or fantasizing about having sex with someone else, or sharing personal moments with somebody outside the marriage. To many people, emotional infidelity can be more hurtful than physical infidelity. And some feel that secrecy is a form of cheating. Examples of this include an unwillingness to share one’s whereabouts, having secret email accounts or cell phones, or engaging in risky internet behavior (like compulsively watching porn and hiding it).

Since the definition of betrayal is so individual, you and your partner should talk about what betrayal and infidelity mean to you. Then, it is important to safeguard your marriage by making agreements with each other that ensure your relationship always comes first, and that you will each manage people and situations outside of your relationship so that your partner always feels safe and secure. Sometimes this requires some serious negotiation, but the reality is if your partner feels uncomfortable or threatened by your behavior, you are not protecting them and putting your relationship first.

Who Cheats?

Statistics show that more men than women cheat on their spouses, but no doubt, women cheat, too. By secretly opening themselves up to situations that provide opportunity for connecting with someone other than their spouse, men and women alike end up treading into dangerous waters.

Although not all married people will cheat when the chance presents itself, one’s willingness to approach a ‘red zone’ situation increases the risk. Most happily married people will avoid situations they know are dangerous. But if they end up feeling an attraction to someone else, they simply talk to their spouse about it right away. There are numerous reasons why some people don’t protect their marriage from infidelity and end up cheating.

The Why

Why do people stray in a marriage? Statistically, about 30% of all married people will be unfaithful. Sustained stress and unresolved problems in a marriage can lead even the steadiest of individuals to be vulnerable to affairs. Many of these people are surprised by their behavior when they begin to cheat, and may even oblivious to the things that may have led to their infidelity. Some of the most common reasons why people cheat are:

• Too much time spent away from the home and marriage due to work
• Internet making it easier for people to engage in covert sexual activity
• Mismanagement of people outside of their primary relationship
• Sexual incompatibility or differences in libido
• Avoidant, insecure attachment styles
• The attractiveness factor: the more one is desired, the more attention they will get, increases the likelihood and opportunity
• Risk-taking behavior acted out through infidelity
• Mental health issues such as narcissism, or sociopathic traits remove barriers to cheating
• A sense of entitlement caused by cultural gender roles, greater power or wealth
• Not talking enough to your spouse out of fear of conflict, then finding someone else to talk to
• Being “addicted” to novelty
• Unresolved relationship problems that lead to severe emotional disconnection

Healing is Possible

By no means does cheating have to be the end of your marriage. In fact, the discovery of infidelity can be the catalyst for a much better partnership. When a spouse who has cheated stops the affair, has remorse, and is willing to become transparent, trust can be repaired and the relationship can end up better than it ever was prior to the infidelity. Open communication and a willingness by both partners to do the work is essential, and with the help of a professional, healing is possible.

If You’re Considering a Breakup

If you’ve been dealing with infidelity and are unsure about the next step in your relationship, speak to a marriage therapist before you make any life changing decisions. If you are suffering from the pain of betrayal and are unsure how to heal, know that there is hope.

Professional marriage therapy or relationship coaching can be the answer to your pain. It will allow both you and your spouse to understand why the cheating even happened. Couples counseling can give you the guidance and skills to repair the damaged trust and create a secure and happy relationship.  Call me today at (719) 544-2016 if you have been affected by infidelity and you need help to get past it.

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